You may have experienced trauma or hurt in a previous relationship, so you push people away to protect yourself from more hurt. [2] X Expert Source Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFPClinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Expert Interview. 2 October 2020. Journaling or free-writing might help you figure out what’s at the root of your behavior. Start a page about relationships and write down everything that comes to mind when you think of that term. After a few minutes, review what you came up with. For instance, you might be afraid that people will dislike you once they get to know you, or you might be afraid that people will take advantage of you after you start to trust them.
In addition, you might constantly repeat self-deprecating statements like “I don’t deserve happiness” or “People hate me. " These statements only make you feel worse. Instead of engaging in negative self-talk, promote a healthy self-esteem by listing your best traits. Then, turn these traits into powerful affirmations, such as “I am a great listener” and “I try to show compassion for others. “[3] X Research source Repeat these statements several times daily.
It may be helpful to voice your concerns to any new partners. Let them know that you have trouble trusting, and ask that they be patient and work with you. [5] X Expert Source Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFPClinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Expert Interview. 2 October 2020. Take baby steps by giving a new partner the chance to be there for you. For example, you might ask them to support you with a passion project or you might request that they attend a social gathering with you. If they come through for you, you might gradually increase the level of trust you have in them.
For instance, you might push a friend away because they disclose personal information early on in the friendship. You might feel uncomfortable with such a disclosure and not know how to communicate that, so you push the person away. Instead, you might say, “I appreciate you for sharing that with me, but I hope you can understand if I am unable to share such personal stuff with you right now. It takes me some time to open up. " Readiness for intimacy involves not just intimate disclosures, but also physical, emotional, and spiritual closeness.
For example, think about what that person went through and how the situation must have felt for them. How would you feel if the same thing happened to you? Once you have tried to have true empathy for the person, you can attempt to apologize and make amends for any wrongdoing. However, empathy is necessary in order for you to connect with the other person’s experience instead of closing them out. [7] X Research source
Each time you’re with someone, take small steps to push yourself to get closer to them while still honoring your comfort level. [10] X Expert Source Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFPClinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Expert Interview. 2 October 2020. You might start by offering a nice comment to a coworker. On another encounter, you might offer them a small token of friendship, such as a donut or coffee. When you feel ready, you could invite them to do something.
If you’re shy, you might be used to minding your own business in public, so start slowly. Work on making eye contact and smiling. When you feel more comfortable, start chatting with people more often.
For instance, if your classmate asks you to study with her later, say yes, even if you aren’t sure you’ll like it. Give her (and yourself) a chance.
For instance, you could ask something like, “Why did you decide to major in architecture?” or “How are you liking your new apartment?” Of course, you don’t want to ask anything too personal, like “Why are you getting divorced?” unless you know the person well and get the sense that they want to talk about it with you.
For instance, if your closest pals are sharing their dreams, it might be nice to share your own. You might say, “You know I’ve always secretly dreamed of spending a year traveling the world. " Consider telling your close friends that you’re trying to stop pushing others away. That will help your friends understand you better. They may even be able to help you, if you let them.
Keeping in touch with people can be hard work, especially if you’re used to ducking out of relationships when you get uncomfortable. However, if you want to keep people around, you’ve got to stay on their radar. If you’re really not feeling up to talking, don’t leave your friends hanging. Say something like, “I can’t meet up today, but I’d love to see you soon. How about Thursday?”
If a former friend doesn’t want to revive the friendship, accept their answer and leave them alone, but let them know they can contact you if they change their mind. Keep in mind that apologizing won’t fix a broken relationship overnight. To make things right in the long term, you’ll have to be a better friend from here on out.
For example, join a new club or organization where you can meet new friends so you’re not always spending time with just one person.
To counteract complaints, start practicing gratitude. When you recognize what you do have, you are less likely to complain. Write down two to three things each day that you are grateful about.
For instance, you could raise your self-esteem by getting involved in a sport, joining a volunteer program, or making the time to take care of your health.
