Constant complaining about your problems can cause you to come off as immature and whiny.
“Jake and I are having some issues with our schedules. Is now a good time to talk about it? I could really use some advice. " “I feel really frustrated and confused. How do you think I should handle this?” “I’m having trouble with Rebecca. Would this be a good time to ask for your advice?”
“I’m sorry, I’m going on and on about my relationship problems, aren’t I?” “I realize I’ve been doing most of the talking since we met up. What’s going on with you?” “Sorry, I realized I kind of commandeered the situation. You were telling me about your job. "
While getting advice can be helpful, remember that you are the one who understands the situation best, because you’re the one experiencing it. You know your relationship best, so at the end of the day, it’s important to use your own judgment.
Light up some candles and close your eyes. Relax and clear your mind. If clearing your mind is too difficult, focus on one thought or one word and keep repeating that thought (make sure it’s a positive one). After five minutes, you’ll notice your breathing getting slower and slower, which is a good thing. Meditate for five more minutes and then slowly, open your eyes. Has it helped?
When you imagine the perfect solution, don’t forget to check with yourself what seems fair and realistic. Think what you could do to get this solution. Do you need to have a conversation? Is there something in your behavior you could change to help? Consider just asking plainly for what you want. Sometimes, your partner doesn’t know what you want or doesn’t recognize how important it is. Maybe you just need to speak up.
Keep this notebook. You can use it to vent in writing instead of constantly running off to other people.
If the hate list is too big, it’s okay to end things. Staying in a bad relationship won’t help your happiness, and breaking up is rough, but you’ll be happier in the end. Congratulate yourself for making a thoughtful choice. If the love list wins, then this isn’t an easy choice either. You’ll go through hard times with your partner and life won’t always be rainbows and butterflies. But in the end, you’ll look at them, recognize how much you love each other, and know that it’s worth it.
Try to show genuine interest in the other person’s interests. Not only inquiry about it and dig deep, but also participate in what lights them up! It always feels good knowing someone cares about what you love, and this can rekindle some kind of fire in the relationship.
Try the script “When ______, I feel ______. " For example, “When you stay late at the office without calling to let me know, I feel worried and unimportant. " Do your best to practice vulnerable intimacy in how you feel about them whenever possible.
“My family has always gone big for birthdays. It’s a way we show love. Would you be willing to make some plans to make my birthday special? Just like I do for you and the kids. " “Could you please stop making comments about my body hair? I’m sure you don’t mean it that way, but it’s starting to make me feel insecure. I’d appreciate if you dropped it. " “When I bring up problems, I usually just need to vent and feel heard first. Would you be willing to sympathize with me first until I say I’m ready for your advice?” “If it’s 5:15 and you’re still not out the door, please text me so I know you’re working late. "
Try taking time to do something else that calms you, like taking a walk or playing with a pet.
Apologize for your part of the argument, and take time to listen to and validate how they feel. If they see you nodding and listening, they’ll be more open to working together to fix the problem.
