Pay attention to how you feel. Are you tense, anxious, or frustrated? Do you feel your heart starting to race? Your emotions are rising. Note your body language, too. Our emotional state often translates into the body language we take, and you may be showing an aggressive posture. Are you frowning or sneering? Have you clenched your fists into balls? Do you have something to say? You may also have a strong urge in a confrontational mood to interrupt. [3] X Research source
Breathe deliberately. Inhale and exhale slowly, counting to five both ways, and take a long and deep breath before saying anything. Don’t talk too fast! Slow down if your thoughts and speech are racing and remember to breathe. [5] X Research source
Make yourself count to ten every time that you have the urge to interrupt. It’s likely that the conversation will have passed to something else after ten seconds and your point won’t matter. Try going all the way to twenty if you’re still tempted. Make an effort to stop when you butt in, too. Catch yourself, stop talking, and apologize to the other person for rudely interrupting.
Put off the conversation, but don’t avoid it. Ask for a rain check, i. e. “Bill, can we have this talk a bit later? Now’s not a good time for me. How are you later this afternoon?” Express the importance of the conversation to the other person as you excuse yourself, too, i. e. “I realize that this subject is important for you, Tasha, and I want to discuss it calmly with you. But I’m sort of worked up at the moment. Let’s try later. ”
Experiment with techniques that slow your breathing, focus your mind, and relax your body. Learn to meditate, for example, or try yoga or tai chi. Other forms of exercise also have a relaxing effect. You’ll feel more at ease and calm after walking, running, team sports, swimming, or other kinds of workouts.
Think of the points that you want to get across to others. Say them out loud or write them down so that they are imprinted in your memory. Practice until you have your points planned out like a script. This way, you can check yourself if you get derailed and come back to the script.
For instance, say something like “I’m not inclined to agree” rather than “You’re wrong. ” Or, “I feel under pressure right now” rather than “You’re always attacking me. ” “I” statements are also useful in expressing your wants or desires, i. e. “I’d like some help around the house” instead of “You never help me with housework. ” Or, “I would appreciate more support from you” rather than “You only look out for yourself. ”
Resist the urge to criticize a person who is giving you feedback or an opinion, i. e. “You’re just being a jerk, Tim” or “I can’t believe that you, of all people, would say that to me. ” Also try to avoid deflecting criticism back onto a person, i. e. “What are you talking about, Jim, you do the same thing all the time!”
Ask yourself why you feel under attack. Is it because you feel offended? Do you feel ganged up on? Are you lashing out because of frustration? Think a bit about who is giving you feedback. Family members and loved ones will probably not attack you but are trying to help out of love.
Try to focus on what the other person is expressing. Listen – you don’t have to say anything at all to start. Just let him speak his mind. Resist the urge to interrupt. You will have a chance to express your side of the story. Meanwhile, try to convey that you’re paying attention by giving cues like nodding your head or by saying “Yes” or “I understand. ” Try to do this without butting in.
All that you are doing is to suspend your judgement and opinions. It doesn’t mean you will have to accept the other person’s perspective, just to temporarily let go. For starters, don’t disregard the other person’s views out of hand. It is rude and confrontational to tell someone that they should just “Get over it” or “Deal with it. ”
For instance, repeat back the main point once your peer has said something, i. e. “So, what you’re saying is that you don’t think I respect you” or “So, you seem to think that I’m too confrontational. Is that it?” Paraphrasing shows that you’re listening respectfully to the other person. It also helps you better grasp his or her perspective. Try asking some questions, too. Aim for open-ended questions to draw out more of a response. Ask something like “Why is it specifically that you think I don’t listen? Can you give some examples?”
For instance, you could say something like “Well, James, I don’t exactly agree with you but I respect your position. ” Or “Thanks for speaking freely, Fatima. I can tell this is important for you and will give it some thought. ”
