If you’re nervous to bring up a topic with someone, don’t spend all your time planning what you will say. Don’t rush right into a deep conversation. Instead, say hello, get comfortable, and settle in a bit. [2] X Research source
Your conversation may reach a moment of silence or a point of redirection. Take the opportunity to bring up what you’d like to discuss.
Say, “I have a question for you guys…” or, “I’m really interested to hear your thoughts on this…”
You can ask someone a meaningful question such as, “What’s a mistake you’ve made that you’ve learned a lot from?” or ask, “Have you ever experienced what you thought was a setback, yet it actually helped you move forward?” Ask open ended questions to keep the conversation flowing. You can use the information you gain to delve into deeper subjects.
Say, “I’d like to share my experience with you about my childhood” or, “I remember one time when I was really disappointed…” Be vulnerable to some degree. It’s hard to have a deep conversation if you’re unwilling to open up and share who you are. People who are willing to be vulnerable are more likely to engage in deep conversations. [7] X Research source
Ask, “What do you mean by that?” or say, “I’d like to hear more of your thoughts. ” Show that you are listening by repeating back part of what they say to you. For example, if they mention their pet’s name, slipping it into the conversation at some point shows that you actually cared about what they had to say.
Use reflective listening to communicate your understanding by saying things like, “So what I hear you saying is…” or, “Let me make sure I’m understanding you. . . ”
Silence your “monkey mind,” or your thoughts that bounce around or jump ahead. Stay focused and not distracted. [13] X Research source Sometimes silences are the best part of a conversation.
If discussions start out as negative, try to bring them full circle and ask, “What can we do to change this? Where can we discover hope or perseverance in this situation?” Try using the sandwich method of conversation where you start with something positive, then mention the negative aspect, and wrap up on another positive note. [15] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
Find ways to interact in new ways about whatever is being talked about. Some deep conversations meander from one topic to another, while others stay pointedly focused.
It’s okay to let a conversation fade out if people are uninterested in talking about it.
Don’t excessively plan when to have a deep conversation, however. There should be a level of flow so it’s not contrived.
Generally, you want to work up to having deep conversations. It may be inappropriate or too soon to attempt having a deep conversation with someone whom you’ve just met.
You might have one friend you’d like to have deep discussions with or a group of friends. Figure out who you’d like to speak with.
