If you’re in a group and hope to speak with one person in particular, don’t feel rushed to do so. Just sitting, listening, and enjoying one another’s company is a great way to become comfortable around other people. Wait for a moment to introduce yourself unobtrusively. Remember, silence is a form of communication. Even in social settings, a comfortable silence indicates confidence and contentment that people will respond to positively. In a group setting, ask each person that you haven’t already met for their name. This indicates a general friendliness that will convey to others that you’re social and accessible.
Ask the person you’re curious about what they do for fun. Not only does this get a conversation going, it shows that you’re curious about what they’re interested in and how they spend their time. Ask them what they do with their life, but don’t be specific. Say something like, “So, what do you do with your days?” This allows people to answer however they want. If you’re looking for a particularly interesting question, try asking them about a recent quote they came across that changed how they viewed the world.
Even if it seems like you might share a certain point of view with another person, you don’t need to immediately re-iterate your shared belief. Hold off on conversations about worldviews or beliefs, even if you share them. Save them for a deeper conversation later on.
Never cut another person off while they are speaking. Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next, focus on what they are saying. Try to stay present in the moment, such as by practicing mindfulness. Notice your feet on the floor and how they feel to stay present and grounded. Don’t raise your voice. Though it may simply be the effect of excitement, speaking loudly may intimidate some people, or make you seem overzealous. Concentrate on speaking clearly. Not only do you want to make sure you are not misunderstood, it’s much easier to listen to someone who is enunciating well. A good concept to keep in mind is that you’re not competing for space within a conversation, you’re sharing it!
Elaborate on your answers. If someone asks what your favorite part of a movie was, don’t just say “The ending!” Explain why you liked it and maybe what you think will happen next. Say what you actually think, not what you think they want to hear. Never assume what other people admire or expect.
Make eye contact throughout the conversation, but don’t stare into the other person’s eyes. Recognize that many people simply wait for their turn to speak in conversation, and don’t actively listen to what their conversational partner is saying. Push your own thoughts out of way while another person is speaking. Focus on their points, and allow a few moments of silence when they finish speaking, both to ensure they’re done speaking and to allow yourself to consider a thoughtful response.
If you don’t agree with someone’s opinion, and want to share this, be sure you have a reason and be polite about it. If you don’t agree about a minor thing, consider the universal truth that you could always simply let it be.
Say something clever or insightful you had thought of and wanted to say earlier, but had forgotten. Ask about your friend’s plans for the rest of the day and wish them well. For instance, you could say, “Well, I’m off to work in a bit here. What’s the rest of your day look like?” Default to humor. Tease yourself for not wanting to leave the conversation, while explaining you hope to meet again. Try, “Hey, it’s been great speaking with you, and I wish we could chat with you all day, but I have to run. ” Use a friendly parting gesture as an opportunity to offer an open-ended invitation to spend further time together by saying something like, “When might I see you again?”
One of the easiest and safest ways to invite a new friend to meet up again is by inviting them to a group event sometime in the upcoming week. If you know you’ll be attending an event at a certain place and time, and others are welcome, mention it and encourage them to attend as well.
Think about what might be relevant to your plans. For example, if you’re going to a sporting event, read the latest news in regards to the team that’s playing. Reflect on recent events, both local or global. People’s different worldviews often provide colorful interpretations about things that have happened elsewhere in the world. Think about seasonally-relevant conversation topics. If Halloween is coming up, ask your new friend what they plan to dress up as, or what their best-ever costume was. Try an old standby: “What’s the next thing you’re looking forward to?” Remember to ask follow-up questions, like “What do you plan on doing there?” Ask about people you both know, such as a their family or a mutual friend.
Recognize that every new person you meet will shape your understanding of people in general. No one is exactly like anybody else, and nor should they be! Don’t compare new friends to other friends you’ve had in the past. Focus on the attributes that each of your friends have that make them who they are. Appreciate how their individuality contributes to your understanding of the world.
If you know that you’ll be talking to your friend in the future, note the topics you spoke about. Be prepared to bring them up again in the future. Check out something they mentioned, such as a certain band, and contemplate what you might agree with or add to the observations they shared with you. Make sure to follow up on this by mentioning it the next time you see them. This will show them that you have a genuine interest in them and that you keep your word. Indicate that you’re excited to see them again by recalling a positive moment from your earlier conversation.
