For example, you could say to your parents, “I am raising my children the best way I know how. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t want to talk about how I raise them with you. I would appreciate it if we don’t discuss that topic. ” Stay respectful but firm to attempt to avoid arguments. [1] X Research source
For instance, you could tell your parents to give you at least a day’s notice before they come to your house. That they are permitted to call once a day, but no more. That you will make events when you can, but you don’t want to hear grief when you can’t. Setting these boundaries can help to establish the type of relationship that works for you. [2] X Research source
Allow them to pick what days of the week they take a shower, visit the doctor, or engage in any other activity they do regularly. They can also help pick what meals they want to eat and what clothes they wear. Having this sense of purpose may make them less difficult to deal with. [3] X Research source Allowing options also helps older adults maintain a sense of autonomy. They want to feel independent and avoid being a burden. By providing options, you are also providing a sense of self-control.
After you ask them to do something, you could say, “Please be totally honest with me when answering. I’d rather you tell me ‘no’ than do something you don’t want to. Then it’s not enjoyable for anyone involved. ” Saying this may help them feel that being honest is helpful, instead of harsh. [4] X Research source Understand that your parents may not be directly vocal about why they are being difficult. Ask them questions and try to get to the underlying reason of their displeasure.
If your parents treat you badly, and have always treated you badly, expecting them to perform a full 180 is likely futile. Wanting them to simply not criticize you constantly or be respectful of your life choices is a more attainable goal. [5] X Research source
For example, if you just want to spend more time with your parents, set a goal of one extra visit per month. Starting off small won’t be such a disappointment if your parents don’t follow through with their promises. [6] X Research source
For example, you might arrange to visit with other family and friends whenever you come home. That way, your parents are more understanding when you have to cut the visit short. It may also help to stay in a hotel rather than bunking at their house, and rent a car so that you can find activities around town for when you and your parent need a break. [8] X Research source
This person can serve as a buffer to minimize your parents’ “acting out. " They can also change the subject when things get tense, or make you laugh when you get upset. You might say to a friend or partner, “Would you mind going to visit my parents with me next weekend? I need someone there for support. I’ll treat you to a nice dinner!"[9] X Research source
Consult with your religious advisor or therapist if you have difficulty with forgiveness. They may be able to guide you towards the path of letting go. [10] X Research source
When approaching your parents, you could say, “I really want to repair our relationship. What we have done in the past and present isn’t working. I think we owe it to ourselves, and our relationship, to go to therapy together. ” If they don’t want to go, simply accept their decision and go alone. [11] X Research source
Recognize what the repercussions of cutting your parent out of your life are before you do so. Consider how it will affect your siblings, children, partner, other family members, and your conscience. Decide if you will feel guilty for doing so, and if that burden is worth it. On the other hand, cutting ties may help you release resentment and hatred. Carefully weigh the pros and cons before making such a big decision. [12] X Research source
Instead of reacting, simply acknowledge what they say or do, and move on. Over time, your mature responses may be what it takes for them to stop. [13] X Research source It may also be helpful to take inventory and see if you are acting difficult, as well. Being difficult with others will often cause them to react in kind to you.
For example, you could say, “I have a hard time dealing with our parents when they are being difficult. Do you find that they act this way with you? If so, how do you handle it?” Confiding in those who are going through the same thing you are can make you feel better and more optimistic about the relationship. [14] X Research source
