Identify the way you feel by naming the feeling what it is. Acknowledge your emotions and accept them for what they are. Don’t feel the need to fix yourself or correct the emotion. We like to criticize ourselves when we feel things that aren’t happy feelings, instead of that embrace them. Practice self compassion versus self judgment. Engage in solitude by embarking in solo activities. Take alone in nature, create some art, cook a meal for one, or listen to music. Focus on how serene and calm you feel when in these alone moments. [2] X Research source
Only say “no” when it’s something you want to say “no” to, not just for the sake of saying “no”. Be aware of how it feels to be compliant with certain choices and towards certain people. Note how you feel about it and allow it to guide you with your choices and limitations. Practice remaining open, but only as open as you feel comfortable being. Discomfort and how drained you feel will tell you where and how boundaries need to come into place.
Asking questions that dig into your values guide the decisions you makes instead of the expectations and opinions others might unreasonably have for you. What do you long for or want most in the world? What do you long for or want most in a partner? What is the most important thing you wish to feel in life and in love?
Be self aware about your needs and express them to the person you are interested in. State your boundaries in a way that is not judgmental, shaming, or accusatory for the best results. [4] X Research source If your special someone takes issue with a boundary you feel to be reasonable, then perhaps that someone isn’t so special. For instance, if you don’t feel comfortable kissing somebody on the first date, that’s normal and totally acceptable. [5] X Expert Source Stefanie SafranDating Coach & Matchmaker Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.
While you two are getting to know one another, let him or her know which boundaries are the most important to you, such as a monogamous relationship, sexual boundaries, or wearing shoes inside of the house. You don’t have to hand him or her a ten-page notarized booklet, but you shouldn’t leave him/her in the dark and let your frustrations build up to an epic battle to the death.
If you’re only okay with physical contact like kissing, hugging, or hand holding, explain that to your partner. Sex is not a relationship requirement. If it is a dealbreaker for your partner, let them go and find someone who respects you enough to not ask you to compromise your beliefs. [7] X Research source If sex is something that you want to do with your partner, do so when you are ready. This can mean 30 days, this can mean 90 days, or this can mean a year – decide what “ready” means to you and tell your partner what that boundary is.
Allow the quality of the overall relationship to act as your guideline for when to meet family and friends. If the relationship is new or off to a shaky start, it might not be a good idea to introduce more people into your relationship. Set a boundary that you will follow his or her lead. If your partner invites you on a night out to hang with some of his or her closest friends, it might be an indicator that you can alleviate your boundary and let him or her meet your friends too.
Coming home after a hard day’s work to your significant other is often very rewarding, but the both of you still need other outlets of focus. Keeping up with friends and maintaining healthy social activity is vital to a person’s well-being. Humans have always been social creatures, and it’s meant to be that way. Cultivating other interests is important, too. Spend time doing things you enjoy apart from your relationship, and let your partner do the same. Balancing your work life, social life, and love life are essential to success in those aspects.
Don’t be a hypocrite. When he/she needs to set boundaries with you, be understanding and open. Respect his/her wishes and be upfront with any questions or qualms. Remember, any qualms do not have to be voiced with criticism or anger.
Set a boundary that you will not be emotionally bullied into saying things or making steps you aren’t quite ready to say or make. For example, if your partner is ready to say “I love you” and you aren’t, don’t feel that you have to. Instead, opt to be clear and direct about how you feel and your intentions with that important step. [8] X Research source Take your time with the pace and the nature of the relationship. Set a boundary and communicate that the relationship progress at a pace you are comfortable with: making things official, becoming physical, etc. Be clear and direct if no shoes are allowed on the carpet, ever, period. Be clear if phone calls every ten minutes are unappreciated. Be very, very clear about whether or not you two are mutually exclusive. Every relationship has problems, however, a compromise allows more effective communication and an overall healthier relationship. Hallmarks of effective communication include eye contact, following up with what you decide will be done during those conversations, and actively listening and staying present when you are speaking with the person. [9] X Expert Source Stefanie SafranDating Coach & Matchmaker Expert Interview. 8 May 2020.
Use the phrase: “I love you, but I need you to respect this boundary of mine. It is important to because ____”. For example: “I love you and have every intention of us working through whatever issues we might have. But, I need you to respect the fact that you get verbally abusive toward me when you’re angry. It is okay to communicate with me in a respectful manner, but it is never okay to project anger and hurt onto me. It not only upsets me, but it is also makes me feel belittled and undervalued. ” Express the behavior, the boundary it violated, and how it made you feel. Be open to hear how enforcing the boundary makes your partner feel. Talk things through, make sure things are understood, and that both parties involved feel cared for in the end.
“I” statements allow you to retain responsibility over your emotions and allows your partner to be more open to your conversation without defenses. “You” statements assign blame.
Once you have done your best and upheld your responsibilities, but have not been repaid with the same, your loyalty is to above all yourself. You deserve someone who will treat you with the same level of maturity and commitment as you will them, and you should never deprive yourself of this based on the hope that your lover will change.
