Ask yourself: if you blame your ex for the breakup, why do you want to get back together? Has she changed the behavior that led to problems? Why would another go-round work when the first did not? If you blame yourself, have you changed? Consider your contributions to the breakup. Be very careful that you are not crafting a rosy narrative of your role, one that overlooks very real faults in your behavior.
Do you really still love her? Do you see a stable future together? Was your break up rash, due to a rough patch in a usually happy relationship? Or was it due to youth and you think you’ve now matured? These might be legitimate reasons. [3] X Research source Is she putting pressure on you? Or perhaps you are worried about money, loneliness, or dating again? These are NOT good reasons to pursue a reunion. Be very careful if you have children together. Children need stability. A clean break or stable relationship is best if you want to make things work for your kids. Casually dating your ex – their mother or father – is confusing and cruel. [4] X Research source
Was substance abuse involved? Drug and alcohol abuse are serious mental health issues. You shouldn’t think about reuniting with an ex unless you have had several years of treatment and sobriety. The danger is that your old patterns of behavior will reemerge, and lead you back down the path of addiction. [6] X Research source Was cheating part of the problem? If so, you and your ex need to come to terms with your past in counseling. Otherwise, the issue may arise again.
Use this time to rest, recuperate, and, if need be, mourn the relationship. Get away from the stress and unhappiness of the event and take time to focus on your personal wellbeing. Try to keep your spirits up. Go out with friends and vent. At the same time, don’t be tempted to mask your feelings with alcohol.
It might be helpful to talk to a counselor. You will learn more about your wants and needs in a relationship and how to respond to others. Even if you don’t end up back with your ex, it will be a chance to talk and grow.
Connect with friends. Good friends are a support network. Meet them for coffee or lunch, they will make you feel better and encourage you. Renew a hobby. Paint, write, or go dancing. Don’t let the breakup stop you from doing the things that you love. Exercise. Working out will boost your mood and make you feel better about yourself, emotionally and physically.
Try a new hairstyle. Update your wardrobe. Get a stylish new pair of glasses. Grow that beard that you always wanted. The changes will put you in a fresh frame of mind. Live healthier. Eat a better diet, work out regularly, or join a gym. If you feel better about your body, you will become more self-confident in your interactions with others.
Your first tries should be brief. Send a simple message, e. g. , “I was out to eat last night at (Name of your favorite restaurant) and thought of you. . . ” or “I saw the movie X last night and remembered how much you liked it!” If you get a positive reply, wait a while before renewing contact. Be confident. Do not expect anything, and don’t pester your ex with messages. This will just seem needy and desperate. Don’t ask to meet. The aim here is just to clear the air. A meeting, if it happens, will come later.
Be prepared for a refusal. Try not to get angry or beg if he turns you down. Accept the refusal gracefully and wish him well. Ending the conversation on good terms will leave the door open for future contact. [9] X Research source
Pick your spot. Try to read his body language. If he becomes defensive or makes it clear that he doesn’t want to talk about the past, accept it and change topics. Tell him how you feel. Say that you’ve missed him and regret how the relationship ended. Be honest, be sincere, and say that you miss him. Maintain eye contact. Don’t look evasive or distracted. Acknowledge your mistakes and apologize. Be specific and sincere. An effective apology takes complete responsibility – no “buts” or excuses. [10] X Research source
Accept a refusal gracefully and try to move on with life. Don’t grovel or beg. At the very least, you will have closure and know that you tried as best you could to salvage the relationship.
