Abusers are often “codependent. ” They feel as though they cannot be complete without another person and depend on the other person for fulfilling all of their needs. [1] X Research source
Abusive people may also become angry or violent over even minor issues, such as their child’s low grade on a test or a grocery bill that’s higher than usual.
A person does not simply “become” violent when s/he drinks. Domestic violence is not the product of a loss of control. It is a pattern of abuse designed to keep you under their control. Some abusers may force their partners to take drugs and alcohol against their will. An abused partner may also partake in drugs or alcohol as a way to “manage” her abuser. [3] X Research source
Do you feel constantly criticized, as though you aren’t good enough?[5] X Research source Does the other person call you names or abusive terms? Does the other person tell you that you don’t “deserve” anything good, or that you will never find anyone better than him or her? Does the other person make fun of or ridicule you? Do you feel like you’re always put down, dismissed, or ignored? Does the other person scream or yell at you? Do the things the other person says make you feel bad about yourself?
Do you feel exhausted or tired all the time, especially around the other person? Does it feel like this person “sucks the life” out of you? Do you feel uncomfortable around the other person? Embarrassed? Angry? Does the other person tell you that his or her feelings or actions are your fault? Do you feel bad about yourself when you are around this person? Do you feel responsible for the other person’s actions? Do you feel “nitpicked” to death over small things?
Abuse isn’t limited to personal or family relationships. Work relationships can also be emotionally abusive. An employer may threaten to fire you if you do not do something s/he wants, or refuse to promote you if s/he doesn’t like you. [7] X Research source
Especially in romantic relationships, blaming statements may sound flattering to you, at least at first. The other person may compare you favorably to other people, such as saying “Those other people I dated always made me so weird” or “You’re so much better than the other horrible people I went out with before. ”[8] X Research source Abusive people push the responsibility for their feelings and actions onto to others. For example, an abusive person who uses physical violence may say “you make me so mad that I have to hurt you” or “I wouldn’t have to hit you if you learn to do what I want. ” Remember: each person is responsible for their own actions. You are not responsible for what someone else does or says. Abusive people are often very resentful of others. They feel as though life is constantly “unfair” and they blame others for this. [9] X Research source
Abusive people are often unkind or cruel to others, especially those in positions with less power, such as restaurant servers and others in the service industry. They may belittle, scream at, or mistreat these people. They generally have a strong sense of superiority to others, and may belittle others to make themselves feel better. Abusive people often lack proper boundaries. They may push for romantic intimacy or commitment very early, or talk about things like “love at first sight. ” They may make overly personal or inappropriate revelations very early on and demand the same from you. Abusive people often have unrealistic expectations. They may expect perfection and become angry if they don’t see it. They may also rely on you for all of their emotional needs and expect you to do the same.
The other person requires you to “check in” with him or her all the time You are not “allowed” to be on your own, go to places by yourself, or see friends without the other person present You are required to get permission or confirm all of your plans with the other person You are not allowed to use a cellphone or computer without the other person’s knowledge, or your use is heavily monitored You are isolated from others, including friends, relatives, and coworkers Obviously, the level of freedom you have depends on your age and other factors. Parents not allowing a teenager to go to a party at 2AM on a school night are not improperly restricting their child’s freedom. However, something like not allowing a child to see friends or go to school could be a sign of abuse.
Healthy relationships still have conflicts. The difference is that in a healthy relationship, both partners listen to each other and work together to find a resolution to the issue. Abusive people do not collaborate. They blame the other person for failures and dismiss ideas and opinions that aren’t theirs. Abusive people insist that their version of events is the “right” one. Abusive people will usually not allow you to have a different opinion about a situation or experience. They may insist that you accept the “facts” that they are giving you as absolutely true. This applies in work situations, too. You should always feel as though you are able to raise questions and concerns at work without fear of retaliation.
There is no excuse for violence. Even “occasional” violence is a sign that the person has serious issues that require counseling. Studies show that if a person is willing to use violence once, it is likely that s/he will continue to get worse. [14] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Some people and cultures respect physical punishment as an appropriate way to discipline children. While most child development experts do not recommend this, there are still differences between discipline and abuse. If the punishment causes any impairment or dysfunction – for example, bruising, pain, trouble walking – it is considered abuse. Striking a child on the face or head is considered something that should never be done, even as punishment. [15] X Research source
This may be especially common for children. Parents may abuse a child by limiting their physical expressions of affections, such as refusing hugs or kisses when a child is “bad. ”[16] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Abusive people may withhold sex or other displays of physical affection from their partner as a “punishment” or as a manipulation or threat to get something they want.
Abusive people may also interfere with your ability to make decisions about safer sex practices, birth control, and pregnancy. Sexual abuse can happen to men and in same-sex relationships too. [18] X Trustworthy Source Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services Go to source
Neglect can be physical, emotional, educational, or medical. Signs of neglect in children include slower development (possibly due to malnutrition), poor hygiene, unattended medical needs, and frequent absence from school. [20] X Research source Neglected children may not experience sufficient emotional support from their parents or may be left isolated and alone frequently. [21] X Research source Neglect is involved in more than half of all reported cases of elder abuse. It may be intentional or unintentional. [22] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Signs of elder neglect include things like bedsores, unusual weight loss, poor hygiene, and unattended medical and personal needs.
The explanations or excuses are rarely in line with the severity of the injury. Abused infants may have respiratory problems, vomiting, or unusual behaviors or responses. [24] X Research source
