Research studies have debated for years over the ratio of importance of verbal versus nonverbal communication. [1] X Research source Some people have gone so far as to say that words are only 7% of communication. This is false, by the way, but the exact figures don’t matter. [2] X Research source What does matter is your ability to recognize that you shouldn’t focus only on words when trying to discern someone else’s emotional temperature. Paying attention to vocal variety and body language are just as significant.
For example, a husband arrives at home and his wife says “I see you worked late again today. You must have a really demanding schedule this week?” The way the husband perceives this message can differ by the wife’s tone. If she says it in a concerned, soft tone, he might assume she is worried about him and decide to open up and tell her about his day. If she says it in a judgmental, sarcastic tone, in which the words are exaggerated and the voice is higher at the end, he might assume she’s angry, so he shuts down. Or worse, he might say something equally sarcastic in response. Tone can be described as the attitude behind your words. While tone is presented verbally, it can also be processed as a part of body language. In general, softer tones are associated with friendliness and politeness, while a harsher tone might be associated with anger or cynicism.
For example, when a person’s pitch is flat and unchanging with no inflection, it often implies disinterest or boredom with a topic - and also bores the listeners. [5] X Research source
A nervous person may speak quickly and run sentences together without pausing. A comedian might share the first part of a joke, and allow a long pause, before following up with the punchline. This gives the audience time to process the joke and then laugh appropriately.
Joy. A person experiencing happiness or joy may show the following: cheeks raised, lips drawn back and up at the corners, mouth parted with teeth exposed, crow’s feet on the outside of eyes, and/or lower lid wrinkled or tensed. Surprise. A person experiencing surprise may show the following: eyelids open with whiteness showing above and below the eye, forehead covered with horizontal wrinkles, brow skin stretched across the bottom, jaw dropped open, and/or teeth parted without tension or stretching. Sadness. A person experiencing sadness may show the following: lower lip pouting out, skin beneath eyebrow forming a triangular shape with inner corner peaked, jaw pulled up, and/or eyebrows drawn in and up in the inner corners. Fear. A person experiencing fear may show the following: mouth open with lips tensed or stretched back, white of upper eye showing, forehead covered with wrinkles in the center, and brows lifted together forming a flat line. Anger. A person experiencing anger may show the following: vertical lines between the brows, lower jaw protrudes out, lips pressed together in a square shape, eyes bulging, brows lowered and pulled together, and/or nostrils flared. Contempt. A person experiencing contempt or hate may have one side of his mouth raised higher than the other. Disgust. A person experiencing disgust may show the following: nose furrowed, lower lip raised, cheeks raised, upper eyelid raised, and/or lower lid showing lines below.
Anger: clenched fists, trembling lips, avoiding eye contact, invading others’ space, exaggerated movements of the whole body, profane cultural gestures Sadness: limp body, quivering lip, flat tone of speech Surprise: moving the body backward suddenly Happiness: relaxed muscles, open arms and legs (i. e. not crossed), comfortable posture Fear: shaky voice, gasping, fidgeting, drawing in of body limbs, crossed arms and/or legs, avoiding eye contact, tensed muscles Embarrassment: flushed neck or face, looking down or away from others, changing the subject, presenting a false smile (i. e. not engaging the corners of the eyes)
The pupils constricting can be a tell-tale sign that a person is not interested in a conversation, while dilating pupils signify interest in the topic. When a person’s eyes shift back and forth persistently, this could be a sign of insecurity. [11] X Research source Humans blink at regular intervals of 6 to 10 blinks per minute. However, if you notice a person blinking at you at a higher rate, it may indicate that he or she is attracted to you. Another thing to be on the lookout for is the presence of crocodile tears. This involves a person forcing herself to cry in order to deceive or persuade. Usually, people cry when they are really sad, really happy, or really amused about something. Finally, another’s eyes constantly avoiding yours can indicate dishonesty. On the other hand, when someone maintains persistent eye contact, he could be trying to intimidate the other person. [12] X Research source
Handshakes. Shaking someone’s hand is a universally acceptable greeting. Still, there is much meaning in this gesture. For one, initiating a handshake is seen as a sign of hierarchy. What’s more, the amount of pressure used during the exchange can give insights into the other person’s state of mind. Firmness can indicate confidence, while a limp handshake may point to a person who is insecure or disinterested in an interaction. [14] X Research source Hugs. Hugs are a wonderful way of showing affection toward others. But, the duration, the position of the hands, and the energy given off by the other person can give hints about how he may be feeling. For example, if a person gives you a side hug (arm thrown over the shoulder or around the upper back) with a quick pat or two, this may symbolize he or she is unenthusiastic or uncomfortable about the exchange. In comparison, a potential romantic interest might hug you much differently. This hug might be initiated with a warm, beaming smile, hands positioned on the hips or neck with more closeness in the intimate areas, and held for a longer duration. [15] X Research source
Attending. You are facing the person with an open posture, meaning your arms and legs are uncrossed and relaxed. You are oriented towards the speaker, and possibly leaning in towards him. You are maintaining eye contact. Paraphrasing. You restate the speaker’s original message (in fewer words) in order to show you understand. Clarifying. You ask questions or restate what was said in order to gain more information about ambiguous parts of the speaker’s message. Use statements such as, “So, you’re saying…?” or “If I heard you right, you said…”.
Take some time to reflect on what the situation—don’t just rush to make assumptions about what the other person is feeling. [16] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSWLicensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 5 September 2018. To improve your intuition, you may practice meditation or journaling. [17] X Research source Spend time thinking about people, places, and/or things in your life. Reflect on or write about how each of those make you feel. Note physical sensations, thoughts, and your own emotions. All of these can be useful in helping you to listen to your gut more when around other people.
