If possible, give yourself some time between when you find out the news and having this conversation. Allow time to collect your thoughts and try to identify your emotions. Try to talk in person with your partner, rather than on the phone or by text. This will ensure you can express your emotions clearly and sincerely to your partner face to face. Ask your partner, “Can we talk about the fact that you’re married?” or “Can we discuss your marriage and what this means for our relationship?”
For example, you may tell your partner, “I know you are married,” or, “I recently learned you are married. " Even if you are embarrassed about the means by which you discovered that your partner is married, be honest about how you found out. Being honest about this, even if you feel you did something wrong (such as look at their private email), can begin to shift the dynamic of the relationship toward truth and honesty.
For example, you may say, “I am feeling upset about your marriage. I feel as though I do not know what this means for our relationship. ” Or you may say, “I am angry that you did not tell me you were married before we started seeing each other. I feel as though you were not honest with me and this makes me feel betrayed. ”
You may need a few minutes to gain your composure and continue the talk. Or you may need a few days. Tell your partner they need to respect your needs and give you time to process the situation. You can then contact your partner when you are ready to talk again. It may also take several conversations for you to get a grasp on how you feel about the situation and how you want to proceed.
For example, you may tell your partner, “I am not comfortable with being with a married partner. Would you ever consider ending your marriage so we can be together?” or “Can we agree to be honest and open with each other moving forward? I am not expecting you to leave your spouse. But I need us to be completely honest from now on. ” If you cannot agree on the next steps, then you should consider ending the relationship. You may be tempted to go against your values in an attempt to save the relationship, but you need to do what is right for you. Doing something that doesn’t feel right to you can lead to serious regrets down the line.
For example, you may tell your partner, “I can’t handle being with someone who is married,” or, “I feel as though the trust between us has been broken. ”
For example, you may tell your partner, “I do not want to be with a married partner. I think we need to separate,” or, “I am no longer comfortable in this relationship. I think we need to end it. ” It is fair to give the other person time to tell you why they think you should stay in a relationship, but don’t let them go on and on. Once they’ve said their piece, move on and do not engage in further discussion on the matter, even if they pressure you.
For example, you may tell your partner, “We need space away from each other. I will let you know if and when we can talk again. I need time away from you. "
If you see the person on a daily basis at work or school, agree to keep your distance and not talk or interact when you can avoid it. Doing this will allow you both the time you need to move on from the relationship. Remember that it is nearly impossible to immediately transition from being partners to being friends. While you may decide to be friends eventually, it is essential that you keep your distance and do not contact each other. You need time to heal and resolve your feelings, which may allow you to change the dynamic of the relationship to one of friendship. You may also be tempted to jump into another relationship to try and forget about this person. Try to avoid this, instead allowing yourself time to heal on your own.
For example, you may say to a close friend, “I recently found out my partner is married. Can I talk to you about it without any judgement?” or “Turns out my partner is married. I need to talk about it. Would you be okay to just listen?” If the person’s response makes you feel ashamed, or you find that talking to them makes you feel worse, end the conversation and find someone more supportive to talk to. You might just say, “Thank you so much for listening. I don’t feel like I can talk about it anymore. "
You can search for a therapist or a counselor online in your area. You can also ask your primary care doctor for a referral to a therapist or ask friends for referrals to a counselor.
For example, you may say to a friend, “I know you struggled with a married partner last year. I’m going through the same thing. How did you react to the news?” or “I remember that you had a situation with a partner who turned out to be married. What did you do?”
You may find doing self care can also help you relieve any stress or anxiety you might be feeling as a result of your situation with your married partner. You may turn to healthy distractions like a fun activity or a night of pampering to get your mind off of your married partner.
