Punishing a child inconsistently or allowing the child to weasel out of punishments teaches them that it’s sometimes (or always) OK to behave badly.
If your child repeatedly breaks the same rule, talk with them about why it’s important to follow that rule. You could say, “We don’t run in the house because it’s easy to get hurt or break things. " It also helps to provide them with a visual reminder of the rule, such as a sign with a picture depicting the rule.
Remind your child of the behavior you want to see. You should also point out when your child is doing the right thing, offering praise. Say, “Great job picking up your toys today!”
Obviously, your child/children’s ability to understand the reasoning behind your boundaries will change greatly as they grow up. For instance, a toddler who’s just learning how to speak won’t understand not to draw on the walls with a marker if you lecture it about how harming other people’s property is disrespectful. Instead, you’ll have to suffice with a firm “no” and, if necessary, by taking their marker away.
As an obvious example, grounding a child for a month is a little harsh if all they did was forget to bring home a paper from school for you to sign. A better punishment would be just to keep them from getting their allowance until they remember it. You’ll also want to make your punishments age-appropriate; grounding a toddler won’t do you much good. For a good guide to what sorts of punishments are appropriate for different age ranges, see Parents. com’s punishment guide for children ages 1-10. [4] X Research source
Thus, it’s a wise idea to work on keeping your anger in check when your child is misbehaving. For example, if your child gets frustrated when playing catch and starts disrespecting you, don’t lash out, instead, calmly tell them, “You know not to talk to me like that. We’re done playing catch. You can get started on your homework. " Keep your cool if they reacts to this with anger; you don’t want to teach your child that they can easily drive you nuts. For more on this topic, see our How to Control Anger article or one of the many calm parenting guides on the web.
As a very general rule, the importance of a united front decreases as a child gets older. By their teenage years, most children will understand that parents can disagree about certain things without either of them being wrong. [6] X Research source
What you don’t do is also very important. Don’t do anything in front of your children you wouldn’t want them to do in front of you. This includes throwing tantrums, acting immaturely, or giving into bad habits. For example, if you stress the importance of good manners to your children but spend every Wednesday night cursing and yelling at your elderly mother on the phone, you’re sending the message that it’s actually OK to have bad manners when someone’s annoying to you.
Scientific research has shown that the power of positive reinforcement is not to be underestimated. In one study, positive parenting techniques corresponded with lower levels of antisocial behavior and substance abuse as the child aged.
To be clear, you’ll only want to take away a child’s privileges as a form of punishment, not their basic needs. Temporarily keeping a child from seeing their friends or watching TV is one thing, but keeping a child from sleeping, feeling loved, or getting adequate nutrition constitutes child abuse. [9] X Trustworthy Source Child Welfare Information Gateway Online portal managed by the U. S. Children’s Bureau providing resources related to childcare and abuse prevention Go to source
The amount of time spent in time-out should vary based on the child’s age and the seriousness of the misbehavior. A good general rule for minor misbehavior like back-talking, not listening, and so on is about one minute of time-out for each year of the child’s age.
Note that grounding should never be a permanent or semi-permanent condition. Keeping a child from forming mutually friendly relationships with others can affect their ability to function as adults and is usually considered a form of abuse.
Making a child apologize to someone they’ve wronged face-to-face doesn’t just force them to go through an unpleasant experience as a form of punishment, it also prepares them for an adult life in which they’ll need to apologize for their mistakes to maintain healthy relationships. An in-person apology is also a very humbling, diminishing experience for a child to go through, which can help with out-of-control egos. If your child is older, teach them to write apology letters explaining why their bad behavior was wrong and expressing remorse. [12] X Research source
While it’s every parent’s job to decide the best way to discipline their own child, there is some evidence to suggest that relying too heavily on corporal punishment is a bad idea. For instance, some research associates corporal punishment in children with delinquency in adolescence and even violent behavior and emotional dysfunction in adulthood. [13] X Research source
Additionally, certain forms of violence can cause permanent, even lethal damage to a growing child. For instance, shaking a young child in frustration or anger can give them brain damage or kill them. [15] X Research source
Isolating the child from others from normal social interactions. Verbally assaulting the child with insults, threats, and ridicule. Terrorizing the child for failing to meet unreasonable expectations. Deliberately humiliating a child. Using fear and intimidation to control a child. Ignoring or neglecting the child’s basic needs. Forcing the child to do something wrong or unhealthy. Refusing to show your child love, tenderness, and affection.
For example, it would be wrong to punish a child for asking their friends about sex, a better idea is to sit down with them, answer their questions, and explain why it’s a bad idea to talk about sexually explicit things in public. Admonishing them without an explanation will probably just make them more curious.
It’s also important to note that overly harsh parenting techniques are often ineffective because they deprive the child of the chance to become self-disciplined. If a child is constantly reacting to the punishments and demands of an excessively strict parent, they never learns how to motivate themselves. [16] X Research source
If you struggle to be strict, ask your co-parent or an adult you trust to help you stay firm and accountable to your child’s behavior plan. You may feel more comfortable enforcing the rules or punishments if you explain to your child the reasoning behind them and importance of follow through. Say, “I know you’re upset that I won’t go back to Granny’s house to get your toy, but you should have put it back in your bag when I told you to. It’s important that you listen to Mommy. " Again, this sort of parenting actually does your child a disservice in the long run. Most parenting experts agree that raising a child with an overly permissive style can lead to an adult who has a hard time getting satisfaction from their life and having a positive self-image. [17] X Research source
Crime (shoplifting, vandalism, violence, etc. ) Substance abuse Other addictions (internet, sex, etc. ) Mental/emotional illnesses (learning disorders, depression, etc. ) Dangerous behavior (risk-seeking, street racing, etc. ) Rage or violent outbursts
