“It’s 2:00 a. m. and I hear your stereo playing” states an observed fact, while “It’s way too late to be making such an awful racket” makes an evaluation. “I just looked in the refrigerator and saw that there’s no food, and I’m thinking that you didn’t go grocery shopping” states an observed fact (with an inference explicitly stated), while “You wasted the whole day” makes an evaluation.
For example, “There’s half an hour to go before the show starts, and I see that you’re pacing (observation). Are you nervous?” “I see your dog running around without a leash and barking (observation). I’m scared. "
For example, “There’s half an hour to go before the show starts, and I see that you’re pacing (observation). Are you nervous?” “I see your dog running around without a leash and barking (observation). I’m scared. "
For example, “I see you looking away while I’m talking, and you’ve been speaking so quietly, I can’t hear you (observation). Please speak up so I can understand. “I’m feeling lonely (feeling) because I’m needing connection right now. Is now a good time to hang out?” “I saw that your name wasn’t mentioned in the acknowledgments. Are you feeling upset that your hard work isn’t being acknowledged?” The word “needs” has a special meaning in NVC: every need is common to all people and not tied to any particular circumstance or strategy for fulfilling it. [3] X Research source “It’s a central part of what I teach, and I have never come up with words to describe it. " —Marshall Rosenberg So, wanting to go to a movie with someone is not a need and a desire to spend time with a specific person is not a need. The need in that case might be companionship. You can meet your need for companionship in many ways, not just with that specific person and not just by going to a movie. [4] X Research source
For example, “I see you looking away while I’m talking, and you’ve been speaking so quietly, I can’t hear you (observation). Please speak up so I can understand. “I’m feeling lonely (feeling) because I’m needing connection right now. Is now a good time to hang out?” “I saw that your name wasn’t mentioned in the acknowledgments. Are you feeling upset that your hard work isn’t being acknowledged?” The word “needs” has a special meaning in NVC: every need is common to all people and not tied to any particular circumstance or strategy for fulfilling it. [3] X Research source “It’s a central part of what I teach, and I have never come up with words to describe it. " —Marshall Rosenberg So, wanting to go to a movie with someone is not a need and a desire to spend time with a specific person is not a need. The need in that case might be companionship. You can meet your need for companionship in many ways, not just with that specific person and not just by going to a movie. [4] X Research source
“I notice that you haven’t spoken in the last ten minutes (observation). Are you feeling bored? (feeling)” If the answer is yes, you might bring up your own feeling and propose an action: “Well, I’m bored, too. Hey, how would you like to go to the Exploratorium?” or perhaps, “I’m finding these people really interesting to talk with. How about we meet up in an hour when I’m done here?”
Do not start psychoanalyzing someone without their consent. [5] X Research source If at any time someone no longer wants to talk about their feelings, they have the right to do so and can leave the conversation. People with intellectual and developmental disabilities, especially when stressed, may have trouble speaking in and interpreting NVC style. If this is the case, use clear and direct communication.
You shouldn’t have to sacrifice yourself and your needs for another person. [6] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSWLicensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018. If someone is behaving aggressively, you can ask yourself what they need. However, this can be emotionally draining work, and it is okay to walk away and say “their negativity is not my problem. " People are not obligated to cater to your feelings. If someone says no to your request, avoid getting angry or guilt-tripping them.
Abusers can use NVC to control others. For example, “I feel disrespected when you don’t check in with me every 15 minutes. " Criticism of tone can be used to derail a conversation about someone’s needs (e. g. “I feel hurt when you say you’re upset with me” or “I feel attacked when you use that tone”). People have a right to be heard, even if they can’t say things in a way that will please everyone. No one should be forced to listen to deeply negative feelings about them. For example, it is not appropriate for a parent to tell their autistic child how horrible it is to put up with them, or for someone to tell a Muslim that they feel all Muslims should be deported. Some ways of expressing feelings can be abusive.
Sometimes, if someone is upset with you, it isn’t because you are doing something wrong. If one person is attacking another, both sides are not equally valid. Placing value judgments like “she is being mean” or “this is unfair and not my fault” is sometimes necessary, especially for abuse victims, oppressed people, bullying victims, and other people who need to protect themselves from others.
If you’re not ready to ask in this spirit, maybe you need more time, or more empathy. Or perhaps your instincts are telling you that this person does not care about your feelings. Reflect on what is stopping you.
If you spend too much time labeling their needs, they might feel like you are trying to play therapist instead of actually hearing what they have to say. Put the focus on what they are telling you, not on what you have decided they “actually” mean.
If conversations consistently end badly with someone, take a close look at the situation, because there may be a deeper problem.
