Always wanting you to speak first should not be considered manipulation on its own. Take into consideration the other things the person does as well. The manipulative person will not reveal much personal information during these conversations but focus on you instead. If this behavior happens in the majority of the conversations you have with them, it may be a sign of manipulation. Although it may feel like genuine interest, keep in mind that there may be a hidden agenda behind all this questioning. If you try to get to know the person, and or they refuse to answer questions or quickly changes the subject, it may be not be genuine interest.
For example, someone may cook a nice dinner and be very sweet before asking the other person for money or help with a project. Be aware that while this sort of behavior is often quite harmless, you are not under any obligation to do something just because someone did something nice for you.
A manipulator may also complain and say, “I’m so unloved/sick/victimized, etc. " in an effort to gain your sympathy and to get you to do things for him.
You may be walking on eggshells, afraid to make them angry.
When you are being manipulated, your rights or interests are often compromised and are not important to the other person. Recognize that disabilities or mental illnesses can play a role. For example, a person who has depression may go into a genuine guilt spiral with no manipulative intent, and a person with ADHD may have trouble checking their email regularly. This does not make someone manipulative.
This can also be accomplished through sarcasm or jokes. A manipulator may make jokes about your clothing, the car you drive, where you work, your family, your appearance, or anything. Although the comments may be disguised as humor, the humor is used to take jabs at you. You are the butt of the jokes. And it is used to make you feel poorly about yourself.
The silent treatment may be provoked by your actions, but may be unprovoked. If a manipulative person wants to make the other person feel insecure, randomly cutting all communication works well. If you ask the person the reason for the silence, they may deny that anything is wrong or tell you that you are being paranoid or unreasonable. [9] X Research source
Guilt trips are usually prefaced with statements like, “If you were more understanding, you’d. . . " or “If you really love me you’d. . . " or, “I did this for you, why won’t you do this for me?” (For something you did not ask for). If you find yourself agreeing to things that you normally would not or things that make you uncomfortable, you may be a victim of manipulation.
A manipulator will also misinterpret anything you have said in the worst possible way which may make you apologize for what you have said.
“Anyone else would __,” or, “If I asked Mary, she would do it,” or, “Everyone else thinks this is okay except you,” are all ways to get you to do something by comparison.
You should not feel guilty about saying “no. " It is your right to do so. You can politely say no. When a manipulator asks you to do something, try: “I’d love to, but I’m too busy in the upcoming months,” or, “Thanks for asking, but no. "
If the person says, “I have no one else to talk to,” try countering with concrete examples: “Remember yesterday when Grace came over to talk to you all afternoon? And Sally’s said she’s more than happy to listen over the phone whenever you need a sounding board. I’m happy to talk to you for the next five minutes but after that, I have an appointment I cannot miss. "
Ask yourself, “Is the person treating me with respect?” “Does this person have reasonable requests and expectations of me?” “Is this a one-sided relationship?” “Do I feel good about myself in this relationship?” If the answer to these questions is “no,” the manipulator is likely the problem in the relationship, not you.
The person says, “You never back me up in those meetings; you’re only in it for your own gains and you’re always leaving me to the sharks. " You respond with, “That’s not true. I believed that you were ready to talk to the investors about your own ideas. If I had thought you were erring, I’d have stepped in, but I thought you did a brilliant job by yourself. "
“I sure do care about the hard work you’ve done for me. I’ve said as much many times. Now it seems to me that you don’t appreciate how much I care. " “I do know that you’re going through a lot. That doesn’t change the fact that I need to go to class. Maybe you could talk to someone else, or go through a few of those mental health resources I sent you. " “Yes, I know you’re struggling. But I’m not responsible for you. I am not available after 8 pm, and you’ll need to call someone else. "
Ask the person, “Does that seem fair to me?” “Do you really think this is reasonable?” “How will this help/benefit me?” “How do you think this makes me feel?” These questions may cause the manipulator to back down.
If an offer disappears if you take time to think, then it may be because you wouldn’t do it if you had time to think. If they’re pushing you to make a split-second decision, the best answer is likely a “no thanks. "
Keep in mind that the manipulator may pull out all the stops: giant guilt-trips, trash-talking you to others, playing the victim card, et cetera. That’s because they realize they’re losing control over you. If you don’t give in, then you win.
