Make sure you know when and where the service will be held. Review the directions ahead of time to avoid getting lost and arriving late.
Look online or visit your local florist to choose a nice arrangement. Have them sent to the funeral home so that they are there prior to the memorial. If you are sending flowers from a long distance, it may be helpful to contact florists in the person’s area to have them send over your flowers. Local and online florists can guide you on choosing and ordering arrangements that are designed specially for memorials. A donation can be an alternative to flowers. Making a donation in the deceased’s name to a cause they cared about is a nice gesture. Check the obituary, as this is sometimes specified there.
Another good option is to go with someone who has a similar relationship with the deceased as you. For instance, you might go with another classmate, if a teacher has died. Or, you might attend a friend’s parent’s funeral with another mutual friend.
Do some research before you dress. If the person followed a certain religion, you might look to see if there are general expectations for clothing in that place of worship. Go for solid-colored clothing choices in mute shades like navy, burgundy, or grey as a rule. Avoid bright colors and busy prints or patterns. Also, try to be modest—don’t wear anything too revealing, such as low-cut tops or mini skirts. If you are attending a wake or viewing, the attire might be more relaxed or casual. Still, stick to subdued colors. Also, if you are going to a viewing, you can arrive at any time and approach the casket. Just make sure you greet the person’s loved ones before viewing the body.
In some situations, a viewing, or wake, may be held immediately before the memorial or on a separate day. Wakes are usually more intimate but allow you to come and go as you please. The funeral itself, on the other hand, is more anonymous but requires you to be present for the entire service.
If you are attending a wake or viewing, you will typically greet and console the person’s family before viewing the body. Don’t worry about saying the perfect thing to comfort the family and friends of the deceased. The important thing is that you care and you’re trying. [5] X Expert Source Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYTLicensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
Avoid phrases that minimize the person’s experience, like “I know how you feel. " Even if you have lost someone, too, this day is not about your own loss. Focus on the person who has died only instead of comparing their death to someone else’s. If you know the person is religious, it may be appropriate to communicate sincere words, like “I am praying for you and your family. "
For example, you might say, “Ms. Henry, I am truly sorry for your loss. Mr. Henry was such a caring man. I’ll never forget that time he pulled over in the rain to help me with a flat tire. He was one of a kind. ”
Make your intentions to help clear, such as saying, “I’ll come by on Tuesday to help with cleaning or cooking. " Pitching in with housecleaning, chores, or yard work can be helpful during this time. In addition, you might drop off prepared foods like casseroles or sandwiches to ensure the family has food to eat. Other helpful gifts might include plastic or paper utensils, trash bags, paper towels, and household items, since the family may be hosting many guests. You might also ask someone close to the family what holes exist in their needs. Take the initiative. Oftentimes, everyone is supportive of mourners immediately after the death, but this support fades as time goes on. For this reason, stay in touch with the family and continue to help out in the weeks after the funeral.
You may leave your number with someone and suggest that they call you later if they’d like to talk more.
You might write a simple message on your card, such as “I am thinking of you and your family during your time of grief. " You might have your card mailed to the site of the memorial (with flowers) or you might send it to the person’s family home, if you are close to the family. Respect the family’s wishes and space. Some might welcome a personal visit, but others may want to grieve privately and be alone for a time.
Talk about the great times you had with the person, and relay the qualities about them you will miss. If you want, you may try to keep it upbeat by telling funny stories about experiences you shared with the deceased.
Creating a journal can be a useful grieving technique for people who process things visually rather than verbally. It can also help you explore why you might be so affected by a person’s passing.
You might also ask other mourners to join you. For instance, you might go to lunch every other Friday at the person’s favorite restaurant. Doing activities that you used to do with the deceased can help you continue to feel close to them even after their death. [11] X Expert Source Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYTLicensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
