Choose someone who you can trust to keep your secret. Someone who is older and/or wiser often makes a great advisor. For example, if you have a coworker or friend who healed their relationship after cheating, they might be a good choice to confide in. Avoid confiding in someone who might feel guilty about keeping your secret or who might be overly judgmental about you hurting your partner. Go to the person and say, “I made a huge mistake and cheated. I know it was wrong, but I don’t want it to ruin my relationship. " Then, go on to explain the events leading up to the cheating and ask for specific advice, like whether you should break the news to your partner and how to do that.
Guilt often intensifies when you put up walls and isolate from others. By opening up to people who can relate to your situation, you can work to overcome guilt. [3] X Research source
In therapy, you can identify the root need that is not being met, so you no longer feel the urge to cheat. When you stop the chronic cheating, you will ultimately experience less guilt.
Ask your spiritual advisor for an in-person meeting in which you can seek support and guidance about the dilemma. This person may be able to offer you valuable counseling on your own and with your partner, if it comes to that.
You might softly caress your shoulders and back while saying “I am only human. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. ” This affirmation doesn’t excuse your wrongdoing—it simply helps alleviate your suffering. You may add an addendum to the statement with something like “I did wrong, but I can try to make amends and do better in the future. "
Write out in vivid detail exactly what happened. Express your thoughts and feelings about the situation. You might say, “I slept with my ex. I regret it, but I feel so guilty. I don’t want my partner to find out, but I don’t know how to move forward. " If you are worried about someone else reading what you wrote, you might put the paper into a shredder or set it on fire. This act of destruction can also help symbolize that the cheating (and guilt) doesn’t have to continue to affect you.
Your faith may offer guidance as to how you can move forward after cheating. Following spiritual practices may give you peace and acceptance that ultimately minimize guilt.
For example, if negative thoughts arise about what you’ve done in the past, you might ask “What now?” and identify one small positive action you can take. Actions might include taking your partner out for a romantic date or committing to spending more quality time with them.
Be on the lookout for negative coping that can lead to depression, addiction, or other emotional problems. Avoid getting through the tough time by withdrawing from others, throwing yourself into work, or using alcohol or drugs.
For example, if you have fallen in love with someone else and no longer like your boyfriend, end that relationship and commit to the new person. If you regret cheating on your spouse and want to strengthen your marriage, stop seeing the new person altogether.
You should definitely confess if your cheating involved unprotected sex that compromises your original partner’s health. You should also tell if there is a likelihood of your partner finding out from another source. Ultimately, telling the truth is the best choice if you want to save the relationship. Keep in mind that not confessing further undermines your partner’s ability to trust you.
If your partner knows about the cheating and chooses to give you another chance, you might perform a symbolic “recommitment” ritual to demonstrate that you plan to be faithful from now on. Don’t expect automatic forgiveness—put in extra effort to show that you can be trusted in the future. This might involve being straightforward about your movements when you’re away from your partner or even granting them access to your phone or email. Even though you did your partner wrong, you should not accept abuse or mistreatment simply to gain their forgiveness.
For example, maybe you weren’t open with your partner about what you wanted in the bedroom. You simply decided to find that elsewhere. In the future, it can help to be more forthcoming about your sexual needs. Maybe you shared your relationship problems with your coworker rather than your spouse. In the future, you might discuss such matters only with someone—particularly your spouse—who won’t use your vulnerability as an opening for an affair.
Look for couples counselors in your area who have experience helping people through infidelity.
