A useful exercise for gaining perspective on a situation is making a ring chart to analyze your relationship to it. Start by drawing a circle and writing those who are directly involved in the situation in the center. Then, draw another ring for those people who are most affected by the issue. Keep drawing outer circles like ripples for each level of people affected, and see where you fall on the chart. For example, if you’re thinking about a friend’s breakup, the couple would go in the center. Their family would come next, and friends like you would come third. Seeing this visually can help you recognize that, though you’re affected, it’s still not your drama to sort out. The best thing you can do is to support those who are more directly involved. Keep in mind that this is not to say that you should not get involved with social issues, like poverty or children’s health, that don’t affect you directly. However, you should be sensitive to work with those people who the issue at hand does directly affect if you do.
One good way of respecting boundaries is being careful not to overstep your relationship with a person. For instance, if you’re dealing with someone who is a co-worker or client, be sure to keep your interactions professional. If you’re not a child’s parent, it’s not a good idea to try and discipline them. Another important element of respecting boundaries is accepting other people’s right to their own values, beliefs, and opinions. While you may disagree with them, it’s often best to mind your business rather than trying to interfere with others’ belief systems.
For instance, if people are avoiding eye contact, angling away from you, or crossing their arms as you speak, they’re probably silently asking for you not to interrupt or intervene.
For example, if you see two people getting into an altercation, it’s time to call the police, not to mind your own business. If a person is drunk and planning on driving, it’s fine to intervene and take their keys since they have great potential to do harm to themselves and others.
While being excluded can feel hurtful, it’s important to recognize that there may be good reasons why something is not your business.
If you find yourself wanting to confer nuggets of wisdom, remind yourself that everyone is entitled to make their own choices and that the way they choose to live their life does not affect you. Part of this is respecting others’ choices and space. If you’re at another person’s house, don’t assume that they should live as you do. Let them practice their habits and norms without intervention.
For instance, if your brother is getting a divorce, it’s not wise to try and play marriage counselor. However, offering him your comfort and company or taking care of his kids from time to time will help him out without contributing to the stress or drama of the situation.
If you find yourself involved in a conversation that involves gossip, you can powerfully communicate your objection by simply walking away. Give yourself an out, such as, “Sorry to interrupt; I’ve got work to do,” and excuse yourself from the situation.
The best way to do this is to refocus the conversation on a big-picture issue rather than on a private one. For instance, if you’re at work, switch to discussing the business rather than a fellow employee’s personal business.
Doing so will enhance your awareness of how you participate in gossip, and make it easier to avoid in the future. It also gives you a chance to set an example by taking responsibility for perpetuating rumors and negative behaviors.
For instance, if someone is spreading rumors about the sex life of your co-worker Anthony, refocus the conversation on his recent standout report or volunteer work at the local food bank.
If you’re having trouble staying away from gossip, start small. Challenge yourself to not participate for a full day. If you succeed, extend the length of your next challenge until it becomes a habit rather than a challenge.
