Discuss how often you want to have sex and come to an agreement. Mark the dates in your calendars so you don’t forget. Consider scheduling sex for a month or two to see if this is a strategy that works for you.
Plan a fun evening out with your partner. Tease and flirt with each other to generate that “new date” excitement. Keep the excitement going until you can get to a private place to get it on.
You may not wish to put pressure on yourselves to have sex; rather, this can just be a time to connect and hang out with each other. If sex happens, great! But even if it doesn’t, you are laying the groundwork for further intimacy down the road. You could ask your partner, “Do you just want to lay in bed and relax for a little bit? I could rub your back, or we could just cuddle. ”
If the two of you are morning people, wake up a little earlier in the morning. Find creative ways to have sex during the day, like in the shower while getting ready for work, or meeting on your lunch breaks for a quickie. Wake yourself up in the evening with some exercise. You’ll feel more alert and energized.
While the first few nights you may actually fall asleep without sex, as your body adjusts to the extra sleep and new schedule, you may find yourself reaching for your partner before falling asleep.
It’s okay if you don’t want to have sex twice a week and would rather have it twice a month. Maybe you’re not interested in sex at all. As long as you and your partner are on the same page about your sex life together, your libido is not a problem![5] X Research source
You may feel uncomfortable or vulnerable having a conversation with your partner about your sexuality, but try anyway. You could say, “Even though I have sex with you, I still feel kind of weird talking about having sex with you. But I want to talk with you about our sex life as a couple and how we can make it better. ”
If you or your partner don’t really know what you enjoy, experiment on yourselves or on each other. Masturbation is an important component of your sexual knowledge and health.
If your partner says, “I don’t really like it when you touch me like that,” say, “I’m sorry. Can you show me what you like?” Don’t take it personally. Even after many years, you will still have things to learn about each other.
For example, say you and your partner decide to have sex and you’re getting ready with some foreplay. All of the sudden, your partner says, “You know what, I don’t think I’m in the mood tonight. ” Immediately stop what you are doing and say, “Okay. ” See if they want to talk about it. Do not argue with them or try to coerce them into continuing. It is still important to have consent even if you have been sexual partners for many years. Feelings and preferences aren’t constant, and it is important not to assume a sexual act is okay, even if you have been doing it for years. Always ask, “Is it okay if I do this?” or “Do you want me to do this?” and make sure your partner verbally agrees. [10] X Trustworthy Source Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network Largest anti-sexual assault organization in the US providing support and advocacy for survivors Go to source
Even if you don’t end up having sex, physical touch will help generate more intimacy between the two of you. It also helps you relax and improves your physical and emotional health. Consider setting time aside each day for the two of you to snuggle, hug, or just sit close with each other.
Talk to your partner about when they most want to have sex. They might say, “After a romantic date,” or “When we have a lot of fun together. ” Figure out ways to create these moods for your partner. You may want to take them to a new restaurant or to play mini-golf, for example. If your partner loves the thrill of anticipation, consider incorporating some flirtatious, teasing behaviors into your day. You could send racy texts, whisper things you want to do with them into their ear, or start making out with them only to stop and say, “More later. ”[12] X Research source
Consider soft lighting, like candles or low ambient light. Overhead is probably too harsh. [13] X Research source Invest in some nice, soft bedding you both enjoy spending time in. Play music that helps set the mood: R&B, jazz, or soft rock may be good choices, but it depends on your taste. At the very least, clean up your bedroom and free it of distractions. Turn off the TV and pick up clothes off the floor. Straightening up the rest of your living space, if you can, would also be a plus.
Consider doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, or putting the children to bed so your partner can relax. Do not hold it over your partner’s head that you helped out, so you expect sex in return. That creates more pressure on your partner and may kill the mood.
Your date doesn’t have to be anything big. It may be as simple as going for a long walk. The important thing is that you are spending time together, reconnecting as a couple. Get a babysitter. If you have kids, make sure you arrange a babysitter. It may be helpful for one partner to schedule the babysitter, while the other partner finds the date night activity. [16] X Research source
Remember that condoms are widely available, inexpensive, and the best prevention for both pregnancy and STIs when used correctly. [17] X Research source Talk to your family doctor or visit a family planning clinic to learn more about contraception options.
