It is okay to tell your friends, after you get to know them a bit, that you are wary about trusting people. And, if your friends or significant other ask to meet your relatives you might just say, “I’m not sure if that is a good idea and when we have more time I will tell you why. ” If you live at home with family, make plans to meet your friends elsewhere. This will keep some distance between the two groups as well. Or, you can always just chat with your friends online and blow off some steam that way too.
If you came from a large family and are used to being surrounded by people it may be a good idea to force yourself to do some activities solo. This will build your confidence and demonstrate that you can handle almost anything on your own. Plan some one-on-one or small-group activities as well, such as meeting a friend for coffee or going for a walk together. These activities are quieter and more focused on conversation. This can help build and strengthen relationships by promoting sharing and helping you assess if this is someone you can trust.
Be sure to reciprocate. If you are invited out, try to find some way that you can issue an invitation to that person as well. Maybe invite them to try out a new restaurant with you. Or, perhaps go on a shopping adventure together. Staying busy will keep your mind off of your family situation.
For example, if you love horses, consider joining a riding group at a local stable. Or, contact your local recreation center to ask about adult intramural sports teams. These types of activities can occupy those evening and weekend hours outside of work. You can also join a local church group for extra support. This has the added benefit of providing a safe space for personal contemplation as well.
Enrolling in an athletic class, such as yoga, also has the added benefit of helping your body to stay fit and active. Asking for help from more experienced class members is yet another way to expand your social circle beyond family. If you don’t think your family will support your new adventures, don’t tell them. You are quite vulnerable when trying something new and you need to hear positive, uplifting comments. If you are young and currently live with your family, you may need to get a part-time job to cover the cost of some of these extra social experiences. This can actually be a good thing. A job can help to give you some space and time away from your family, and you can make friends with your coworkers!
Be aware that volunteering with certain groups, such as persons affected by family violence, may hit too close to home for you at this point. Instead, look for a volunteering activity that will uplift your mood while also allowing you to help.
If your relatives question your increasing distance, you might say, “I’ve just been really busy lately,” and leave it at that. Keep in mind that when people are used to getting a certain response from you, and suddenly they don’t, it is typical for them to try harder before they give up. Be prepared for some push back when you try to distance yourself.
Of course, if you live with your parents, you are more subject to their rules and requests. So, choose carefully when saying “no” and your response will (hopefully) be taken seriously.
You can find a parenting class by contacting your local hospital. They will, most likely, offer classes on a variety of parental topics. And, many of these classes are often free-of-charge for soon-to-be parents.
Discussing your family history with a counselor will show you that it is not your fault that you have a negative or problematic relatives. You are only responsible for your choices and actions. There are also lots of great books on this subject that can help you learn how to set and maintain boundaries and have healthier relationships. You can also join a support group.
If your coworkers or friends learn that you will be alone over the holidays, they might invite you to spend the time with their family. Carefully consider your emotions before you accept this offer as it may trigger negative feelings for you, such as jealousy. If you live with your family, you might arrange to spend part of the holiday at a friend’s house enjoying their celebration. Make these plans well in advance and, if getting to your friend requires a bit of travelling and you can afford to do that, even better.
It may also be helpful to tell your friends if/when you have a bad day. They may spring into action to lift you out of your funk and provide a positive distraction. Make sure to return this favor when you have the opportunity to do so. If you are in school, keep a close eye on your participation grades (and grades in general) during bad periods with your family. If you have a tendency to focus on yourself and get quieter, make a point to speak up and get those points.
For example, you may want to figure out when it is appropriate to say, “thank you,” for something and how to best express that sentiment. Do you write out a full card or simply send a brief test message? You will need to experiment to find out what is comfortable for you.
Try to learn more about your role model, including why they make particular decisions. For example, if your favorite football player is always volunteering you may want to follow that model.
At the end of the day, you are your own best cheerleader. Figure out a way to keep yourself on the positive track, whether it be through repeating mantras or practicing deep breathing. Journaling positive affirmations and reviewing these can be helpful, as well as keeping positive phrases posted in a place you see often, such as on your mirror or computer monitor.
A personal goal might be to hit the gym at least three times a week. Or, perhaps you want to watch one movie each week and revel in your downtime. Break your goals down into steps that are small and achievable so that they are more likely to happen. This will reinforce your progress and keep you motivated.
