Is this relationship worth your time to save in the first place? Were you happy and fulfilled, or did the relationship hinder you in some way? For example, if you spent most of your time worrying about incidents like these, you might want to reconsider the relationship. If you were unhappy in the relationship already, then you might be better off to just move on.
Avoid the trap of staying in a relationship just because you have been in it for a long time. If you are unhappy, or the incident is unforgivable in your opinion, feel free to move on.
Try asking yourself, “Did I like our relationship as it was, and can I see it becoming something that makes me happy again in the future?” Ask yourself if you are willing to put in the work. Restoring trust to a relationship can take a lot of time and hard work. Ask yourself if you are willing and emotionally prepared to work through the issues in your relationship.
It is important to communicate your boundaries to the other person — he cannot read your mind, and you may have different ideas of certain concepts (“monogamy” may mean something different to you than it does to him, for instance). There may be a misunderstanding about what is and is not acceptable in your relationship, and you need to make your boundaries clear. Talk with each other to clarify these boundaries, and let the guy know that if certain boundaries are crossed, you will end the relationship. For instance, maybe you’re okay with your guy flirting with someone else, but not with anything physical. If your guy kissed someone else, this is a violation of those boundaries. If you already set specific boundaries in the relationship that could not be crossed (such as a zero tolerance for lying), you are under no obligation to consider rethinking those boundaries. In fact, you should probably move on if your boundaries are not respected.
Repeat offenses may be a sign that this guy lacks any intention to change his behavior, and that it might be best for you to move on.
For example, if a guy has a one night stand with another woman after the two of you fight, it might have been bad judgement and a forgivable mistake. On the other hand, if he has an affair that lasts years, or multiple one night stands, this indicates that he has thought out his behavior and decided to be deceitful.
Keep in mind that if these actions were born out of a failing relationship, you may need to address what you were doing to contribute to the weakening of the relationship, too. For example, maybe you have been unwilling to discuss issues in your relationship or tell him your wants and needs. Identifying your part in a failing relationship doesn’t mean you take the blame for the guy’s mistake or that it’s okay — it just means you understand that a relationship that is in trouble is rarely just the work of one person.
If you are choosing to forgive him, you need to get these emotions out of the way so that you can move forward with the relationship. If you choose not to forgive him, you need closure from these feelings to move on happily to the next phase of your life.
Do not use this as a way to keep a guy waiting on you so that you can get even. Make it clear that you need space to sort out your feelings and thoughts. Say something like, “I am really confused right now, and I need some space to decide what I should do next. ”
For example, if you feel betrayed, you should come out and say something like “I am afraid that if I forgive you, I will not be able to trust you again. ” Make sure to use “I” statements to convey your feelings. Even if he is at fault for what happened, you are discussing your feelings. Ask all of the questions you need answered in one conversation. Do not bring them up over and over. Also, avoid any inappropriate questions (e. g. “Did she kiss better than me?”).
Avoid doing things to “get even” with the guy that hurt you. This kind of behavior is sure to lead to regrets. If you are struggling to cope with your hurt or anger, you may need to consult a mental health professional.
