If your friend is constantly disappointing you, you will have to decide which is the best option—to lower your expectations of the friendship or let them go completely.
You should feel better after spending time with your friends, not severely drained, tired or annoyed. If your friend can’t seem to focus on anyone else but themselves, they may want an audience, not a friend. However, keep in mind that your friend might just need some time to mature. They might even respond to some gentle constructive criticism. For example, try saying, “I sometimes feel frustrated when we hang out because we spend so much time talking about what’s going on in your life. I feel like you don’t make much time to listen to me. ”
For instance, your friend may fight with you and always expect you to be the one who apologizes. This isn’t a healthy, balanced friendship. Your friend may also bail on you when you seem to need them most, like the time you went through a breakup and they flaked on you to go to a party.
If your friend belittles or laughs at your interests—or never shows up to anything important—they may not support you.
If you hurt your friend, you shouldn’t expect them to forgive you easily. However, they also shouldn’t hold mistakes over your head. Otherwise, you’ll just feel crabby whenever you’re around them.
Everyone gets busy, so you shouldn’t be punished when you’re not always available. Be especially wary if this same friend expects you to always be available to them, but they don’t have the same standard for being available to you.
When friends talk about you, they may feel uncomfortable with you. Notice fidgeting, twirling their hair, or sweaty palms around you. Not all signs mean they are faking as a friend. It might just be a habit they have. If you know that they chew on their nails, it’s probably not a sign that they are faking it. If they look like they are afraid or doesn’t look directly into your eye of avoids eye contact, that could mean that they feel guilty about something.
Pay attention when you’re talking to them: do they cut you off or interrupt often? Do they disregard what you say and shift the topic to something else? For example, maybe you come to your friend with really big news. A fake friend may not want to hear about the news—they’d much rather talk about themselves.
For example, you might say, “Hey, I can’t hang out on Thursdays anymore. I really need to dedicate more time to studying chemistry. ” or “Can we not discuss sex? It makes me uncomfortable. ” If this person continues to cross the lines you have set or doesn’t acknowledge them at all, they may not be a real friend.
One very easy sign is to see if they gossip about you. That might mean the are jealous. If your friends are gossiping about someone with you, it probably means that they also gossip about you. A true friend would talk about how someone is good, not bad. Avoid gossiping with them. Other signs of envy include feeling like your friend is always competing with you, never getting a pat on the back from them, and having to include them in everything you do just so they don’t feel left out. A jealous friend may become possessive if you spend time with other people. A true friend should never try to isolate you from other friends or loved ones.
You won’t be able to change their passive-aggressive tendencies, so don’t even try. Instead, try to avoid such fake friends and speak assertively when you do have to interact with them.
You may even test this person’s loyalty by telling them a small “secret” and asking them to keep it to themselves. If you hear about it elsewhere, you’ll know exactly who was responsible for the leak. Also, if your friend gossips to you about their other “friends,” there’s a good chance you are being gossiped about, too.
If you only hear from this friend when they need something, they may not actually be a genuine friend.
You might also consult with other people you trust. Ask a parent, older sibling, or trusted friend whether you should break up with a fake friend.
For instance, if they seem apologetic and strive to change, you may give them another chance. However, if they deny their behavior or become hostile, letting go of the friendship may be a wise idea.
For example, you might simply place this friend in a new category, such as “acquaintance. ” If you start thinking of them as an acquaintance, it may not matter so much if they don’t call for your birthday.
For example, if you make your friends a priority, notice if this person emphasizes in-person interactions over virtual ones—i. e. , they aren’t constantly distracted by their phones. If you value honesty, notice if a new friend lies or withholds information about themselves.
For example, you might tell them about your career goals first to see if they reciprocate. Then, as trust develops, you might share more intimate info, like details about a medical condition you have. In addition to protecting your self-interests, gradual disclosures are actually the healthiest way to form new relationships. It’s uncommon to know someone’s deepest, darkest secrets within the first week of knowing them.
