Your family would penalize you. If they might kick you out of the house, abuse you, send you to conversion therapy, or withhold education funds, don’t come out. Your area is hostile to gay people. If you would face discrimination, bullying, abuse, or other serious problems, it may be safer to stay in the closet. You don’t feel safe coming out to certain people. If your instincts tell you you wouldn’t be safe, listen. You’re not ready to handle coming out yet. Even if it’s a safe environment, you might not be ready. You could be dealing with emotional turmoil, wondering how to deal with the subject, or trying to figure out whether you’re safe.
Try to distinguish between coming-out jitters (which are very normal) and instinct that a person or group is hostile towards gay people. If you’re unsure about someone, try bringing up LGBTQ-related subjects to see how people react. If you realize it’s probably just nerves, don’t feel bad. Nervousness is natural and okay. You don’t have to come out until you feel ready.
Telling a few trusted friends, and asking them to keep your identity quiet Being out online using a screen name, and closeted in person Telling your mom and your brother, but not your controlling father Being out at college, but not to your parents
If you have homophobic parents, when will you no longer depend on them? When can you move out? When will you no longer depend on them to pay for your education? If your area is hostile, could you move someday? Once you are an adult, people tend to care less about your sexuality.
If you know a gay guy who also needs to stay closeted, you could “date” each other. Know the difference between using someone as a beard and being confused. If you dated guys before because you hadn’t realized that you were gay, that doesn’t make you a bad person.
Safety comes first. Learn how to clear your browsing history. Don’t enjoy LGBTQ-friendly media if you’re in a situation where you could be in danger if people saw what you were doing. If you are caught, come up with an explanation in advance. “I’m trying to increase my awareness as an ally” is a good one if you would not be punished for supporting gay rights.
If you live in a very conservative area, look for online lesbian communities. Can you pretend to be a straight ally of the LGBTQ+ community?
Online relationships can be tough. Letters, e-mails, FaceTime calls and mail-delivered presents can make the distance between you feel shorter. If you are up for it (and you have made sure it is safe), you can eventually meet up with your girlfriend in real life. Don’t post any photos of yourself on a public dating profile: this could lead to you getting forcibly outed.
If you are harming yourself or considering it, get help immediately.
Instead, you can bring up celebrity crushes or crushes on fictional characters. If you aren’t a big actress, you can stay casual about it.
“Our waiter was so cute, am I right? I absolutely loved his hair. " “God, my ex-boyfriend HATED this flavour. I can’t see why - it’s delicious!” “You went to Coachella? Were there any hot guys there?” “It’s a bit of a pointless talent. It’s not like the man of my dreams will be impressed by my trivia skills. "
“I researched a lot of this when my cousin came out as trans. I wanted to be the best supporter I could be. " “No, I’m straight. But my best friend’s a proud lesbian! She sort of indirectly passed on all of this through conversation. "
If you prefer to keep a bare face, you can lie and say you are wearing natural make-up. You can also cite skincare and avoiding pimples. And “makeup isn’t my thing” is a valid explanation. When you are going somewhere alone, you can dress as masculine as you like.
It is not your fault because you trusted the person who outed you. It is their fault - and only their fault - for putting you in danger, whether it was done carelessly or maliciously.
