If the person tells you he has an addiction, then allow him to tell you his story. It is important for him to know that he is being heard. If you notice changes in the person’s behavior, then you can bring it up by saying something like, “I’ve noticed you are spending a lot more time online, and you look like something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?” Don’t be afraid to ask the tough, honest questions. Confronting difficult subject matter that might jeopardize a relationship is challenging. Deceit is at the root of addiction so you must tell the truth. You will need to ask direct, honest questions like, “Do you think you are addicted to pornography?”
You can help the person be accountable by saying something like, “I want to help you with this so I’m going to check in with you and ask you how things are going. ” Offer to monitor the person’s computer activity by checking search histories on a daily or weekly basis. You must secure the person’s commitment to not delete his own search histories.
Encourage a healthy sense of right and wrong when necessary. You can do this by explaining to him that he needs to view himself separate from his behaviors. He is not a bad person, but his behaviors cause harm and must change. [3] X Research source If the addiction has caused harm to his relationships, you can say, “Your relationships are going to be so much better once you change your behavior. Life is going to be easier for you. It might not seem like it at first, but it will. ” In contrast, a shame and guilt-filled statement would be to say “Don’t you want to stop messing up your relationships? I don’t know why you would want keep doing that. It doesn’t make any sense and it is so hurtful to everyone. ”
Identify the target behavior. Through discussion, identify the behaviors the person would like to change. For example, if the person stays up until 3:00 a. m. watching pornography and misses class or work in the morning, then he will need to change his sleeping schedule. A goal could be: Go to bed no later than 11:30 p. m. on weeknights. Help him select/design a system to monitor and change his behavior. This may include: setting schedules for limited time using the computer; scheduling time to do outdoor activities; requiring an hour per day writing about his feelings in a journal. If he is depressed, anxious, stressed or suffering from low self-esteem introduce relaxation techniques like yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises that have all been successful in treating these afflictions. [5] X Research source Choose ways to reinforce positive thoughts and behaviors. If he enjoys going to the movies or sporting events, these can serve as a rewards if he meets daily or weekly goals. This will help build self-esteem and his belief in himself. Fade your involvement as improvements happen. As he accumulates longer and longer periods of positive behavior you can slowly step back your involvement.
Suggest things like walking, running, hiking and weight lifting. These activities help the brain release endorphins, which increase feelings of pleasure and lessen pain. [6] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Also, you could suggest that he take a dance class. Learning new dance steps requires his full attention, which allows him to take a mental break from his addiction. [7] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Encourage him to explore his interests by answering the questions: What is missing in your life? Where would you travel if you could? If money had no implications, what would you do for a career? Perhaps playing the guitar has been an interest. Suggest that he take a class online or at a local music store. Encourage him to get involved in groups that share his non-pornography interests. These connections may lead to close friendships. [8] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Take as much time away from the addiction as possible. If he spends most of his time on new activities, then there will be no time left for watching pornography.
Reinforce the fact that it takes courage to make positive changes in his life. The therapist will echo your statements. Confirm that talking to a therapist is the next step toward getting the help he needs. You have been there for him to talk about his addiction, but now it is time to talk to a professional. You can tell him, “I will still be here for your, and you will have the therapist to talk to who will undoubtedly have better ways to help you. ” Find a therapist who is a good fit. Ask a doctor, family member or trusted friend if they can recommend a therapist. There are professional therapists available in your local area who will help people deal with addictions. Look for a therapist who practices cognitive behavioral therapy. [10] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source This type of therapy is one commonly used to treat addiction and provides a step-by-step process designed to stop compulsive behavior. The therapist will help the person examine and dispel the negative thought patterns he has developed. You can suggest that the person attend a 12-step program designated for those people who suffer from sexually-related addictions. There are 12-step programs available worldwide. Contact a local chapter to obtain information on a meeting near you.
Be aware that those who will participate in the intervention should be carefully chosen. The person’s loved ones can describe how the addiction to pornography is affecting them. There needs to be a plan in place to provide the person with treatment options. For example, there are inpatient programs, outpatient programs, and counseling is involved in all.
It takes courage to admit you have a problem, so you can say something like, “First of all, thank you for telling me. I know that takes a lot of courage to do that. I’m here for you in any way I can help. ”
Put yourself in the person’s shoes. Learn to be compassionate and accepting rather than judging the person. Find resources that can teach you about being compassionate. [14] X Research source It might be difficult to understand, but you can always try. Treat the person like you would like to be treated. You have probably experienced struggles in your life and know what was helpful to you, and what wasn’t.
Help the person determine if he has feelings of depression. There are online screening questionnaires that can help with the process. [15] X Research source He may have been depressed before delving into pornography, or he could be depressed because of his addiction to pornography. You can ask him, “Are there some things that you’re depressed about?” You can use the same type of question to address anxiety, loneliness, boredom and other emotions he may be trying to manage. Cybersex or pornography addiction involves compulsive behaviors. Unique challenges exist because the person can remain relatively anonymous, which allows him to continue the behavior. Additionally, unlimited access makes it that much harder to resist. [16] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Suggest that he might be using pornography to push away his feelings rather than deal with them. Emphasize that you are there to help him and get him the help he needs. If that means putting a lock on his internet access, then do it.
For example, he may tell you that he made it through an entire morning without looking at pornography. You could respond by saying, “That is awesome. You are really making progress. You really want to do this, don’t you? Keep going. ”
You can provide consistency and reliability for the person. You are always there for him. There may be a time when you need to remind the person by saying, “You know I’m here for you. It is hard for me to see you struggle and I wish I could do more. ” By saying things like this you will motivate him to try harder.
Get the proper amount of sleep that you need to avoid getting exhausted. [20] X Trustworthy Source National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute Research and education center within the National Institutes of Health Go to source Eat healthy food to maintain good health and energy and combat stress. [21] X Research source Include fruits and vegetables, lean proteins, complex carbohydrates and fiber. Avoid caffeine, sugar and foods high in saturated fats. Exercise regularly to help manage the stress you might be feeling. [22] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Be kind and understanding of the person’s struggle. Treat others as you would like to be treated.
Invite him to attend gatherings with you where there will be new people. He may be uncomfortable in the beginning so be at his side to provide him the support he needs. Pornography has caused a distorted view of human sexual interaction. He will need to be educated on the realities of sexual relations. Do your best to provide reliable and honest resources to him.
Arrange sporting events, casual hang-out events, and vacations. If there is something you want to experience, encourage the person to join you.
Be the reminder of consequences. You will need to remind him about the dark place from which he came. Remind him that all the hard work he did will be eroded if he starts watching again. Approach the conversation in a matter-of-fact tone and explain, “This is not about shaming you or guilting you into something. This is about the reality that you were living and are living right now. You have a responsibility to yourself and the people who care about you. ” Observe changes and discuss them. If you see changes in his behavior that lead you to believe there might have been a slip-up, then calmly confront the issue. You can say, “I’ve notices you look really tired. Is everything okay? Are you abstaining from watching pornography? If you aren’t, I’m still here to help you so there’s no reason to lie. ”
Help the person manage the temptation to view pornography if a particularly difficult situation presents itself. Suggest alternate activities that will distract or preoccupy the person’s attention such as remote control airplane flying, or rock climbing. Get the person involved in something completely different. Encourage the person to forgive himself for any lapses in behavior. It is crucial for dealing with a setback. Do this by helping him focus on recommitting to his goals. You can tell him something like, “You may have slipped up, but what is important now is that you focus on small steps to get back on the program. Commit to the next hour that you will not do it. Build momentum with each hour you stick to your plan. You have to work your way back. Don’t give up on yourself. ”
