For example, if you’re having a fight with your girlfriend because she thinks you cheated on her (even if you didn’t), don’t make the problem worse by spending a lot of time out being social with other girls. This will only make you look worse and make it harder to argue with her from the moral high ground. Instead, take a vacation from people until you work things out with her. Another example for a problem with a friend is if your best friend is mad at you for blowing off their party in order to spend time with someone else. In this situation, you’ll want to avoid seeming distant or disinterested in their feelings. Instead, try to do something nice for them.
For example, your boyfriend might say that he’s mad you decided to go to the big state school in the next town over instead of going to the local college with him. Of course, you’ll still be able to see each other all the time and date without serious problems: what he’s really worried about is that all that time off on your own will lead you to meet someone new.
Sometimes, if you’re having a hard time understanding their perspective, it can be really helpful to just ask them. Ask them to explain, at length, why they think it would be better to take another route. Say something like: “Can you explain your thinking to me? I’d really like to know better. ” By walking through their feelings and thought process, you can often gain a better understanding of the problem and how to solve it. [1] X Research source
For example, you’ll want to dial back your language. Don’t insult them or use accusatory language like “you should have ______”. Instead, use “I” statements to express yourself. Say things like, “I felt hurt after out last conversation,” or, “I get upset when you talk to me like that. ” Make them feel in control by giving them choices or options, as well as doing things like coming up with what they think is a fair solution to the problem.
For these serious, problem-solving conversations, you should generally set aside a large chunk of time and meet in a place that’s private and quiet. This will remove distractions and things which add more stress. Talking it out also shows the other person that you have put a priority on making things right, which can earn you some points and soften them up for finding a solution.
For example, if your girlfriend is upset because you can’t agree which family to spend Christmas with, you can propose a third option: spending the week before Christmas with her family, the week after with your family, and the day itself with just each other. For example, if your friend is upset because they want to take one class with you but you want to take another class instead, you can suggest that you keep your classes separate but both take a study period that you can spend together studying in the library.
When you’re struggling to stay calm, a good technique is to focus on your breathing. Breathe in and out slowly until you feel more calm and ready to do what you need to do.
For example, let’s say you’ve lost your job. Instead of panicking about what you’re going to do now, go to your local unemployment office. They’ll have counselors who will help you file for unemployment and help you find resources for getting a new job quickly (like a resume makeover). [3] X Expert Source Michael SternLife Coach Expert Interview. 1 July 2020. When trying to solve your problems, think about what is truly authentic to you so you don’t spend a lot of time/energy pursuing goals that aren’t personally meaningful for you.
For example, if you know you have strong interpersonal skills, then you know you can use those skills to help solve your problem. Just because there might not be an obvious way to use them right now doesn’t mean that the opportunity won’t arise.
Break the solution down into a series of goals, then break the goals down into a series of tasks. Decide when you’ll do each task and where you can get a little extra help and before you know it you’ll have a great plan. Set goals that are SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-based). Even just having a plan and working towards meeting your goals can often make things even easier because it makes your “gatekeepers” more willing to give you extra room and time to solve your problems. These people, like teachers, bosses, and creditors, will feel more comfortable being forgiving if you have a plan that shows you’re serious. Be clear on who you are and what you want so you know what to focus on and won’t suffer from decision fatigue. [4] X Expert Source Michael SternLife Coach Expert Interview. 1 July 2020.
Think of your life like a movie. It’s not going to stop just because the villain starts causing trouble. The story might not go how you want it to go but there will be a resolution in the end. And your life is hardly The Day After Tomorrow, so you’ll be okay.
Poor communication can also be the source of your problem, meaning that simply talking more may be what’s needed to fix the problem. If nothing else, communicate the need for patience. Tell people that you’re working on the problem but that you have a plan and you’re focusing all of your energy on making things right.
Let go of your past. Let go of your mistakes. Instead of hating yourself for them, learn from them. That’s enough. Let go of that friend that just refuses to forgive you for whatever it is you did. Instead, focus on solving your other problems and work on making the rest of your life and actions as good as they can be. Problems in your past will often come to a better resolution when you work towards a better future. . . even if that just means you starting to realize that those mistakes don’t define you. At some point, you’ll realize that many of the tools to cultivate a deeper internal sense of peace and fulfillment are within you. [6] X Expert Source Michael SternLife Coach Expert Interview. 1 July 2020.
Figure out what means the most to you and focus on making that happen. Let everything else follow the path of least resistance so that it’s not taking up all of your time and energy. . . even if that means it doesn’t end well for you. For example, if you’re having problems with your family, problems with school, and problems with work, you’ll have to choose which is the most important. Generally, your family will always be there and you can get other jobs. Second shots at school, however, are rare.
Think of this like having a giant pile of homework assignments. You can do them right away and not get overwhelmed or you can be afraid of failing and let them pile up. Not doing them just leads to you getting an F anyway. Ignoring them doesn’t make them stop appearing.
Making a chart of the steps you need to take to solve each problem can often be really helpful. This visual device allows you a better way to see how everything fits together.
For example, let’s say that you’re struggling to figure out how to write a review for work. Go online and you’ll find loads of business people who do stuff like that all the time. Post in a forum and you’ll see so many people come forward saying things like, “No one ever taught me how to do this and I really wish they had. It doesn’t need to be this hard. "
One good approach is to appreciate the problems in your life. If you didn’t have problems in your life, you wouldn’t know how to recognize the good things that you do have. This is especially true with problems surrounding people we love. We often forget how much we love them until something shows us how much we stand to lose.
