Make the choice to let go. Say to yourself, “It’s over and I need to move on. ” Otherwise, you may end up sabotaging your future efforts. Express your pain. Part of grieving is emotion! Let it out directly, vent to a friend, or write it out in a letter that you’ll never send to your ex. Forgive. This is a key part of moving on. It doesn’t mean forgetting what happened, but choosing to release your hurt and anger and move forward.
While grieving, acknowledge your role in the heartbreak. Ask yourself, “Did I go wrong? How? What could I have done differently?” Self-pity is easy and feels good. Resist it. Say, “I’m not going to keep feeling bad about someone else and what they did; I’m going to start to feel good. ”
List your strengths and weaknesses. Write down things – qualities, talents, habits, ticks – that you consider to be strengths, like generosity or emotional openness. Then, list weaknesses. Are you a natural pessimist, for example? Maybe you are stingy with money? Note common elements. Do you always tend to love the same type of people? Are there mistakes, patterns, or repeated dynamics in your past relationships? Try to find and identify what they are.
Remember things as they were. Don’t idealize your past loves, but distinguish what made the relationship exciting and memorable from what caused it to fail. Be hopeful and open to love. One heartbreak doesn’t mean that you won’t ever love again, but you have to let it happen.
Being single comes with freedom: you can do the things you enjoy, when you want to. Do you want to go for a swim at 6:00 every morning? Sure thing. Do you like to sit around and watch TV in sweatpants after work? Go right ahead! Being independent gives you the chance to be selfish, too. Focus on your career and work long hours, if you’re ambitious. Or, spend more time on your hobbies and friends. Use the time for self-exploration, too. Being single, you can spend energy figuring out your needs rather than on those of a partner.
Start with your core needs. What things are “must haves”? Do you need a partner who shares your social or religious values? Who wants a family? Who understands and validates your career?[6] X Research source Learn to understand your own emotional needs. Think of earlier relationships and what made you feel fulfilled and what didn’t. You might need good chemistry, for example, but you also might need loyalty or a strong intellectual connection. Be aware that true love isn’t a magic potion. It can’t make you feel worthwhile, happy, or whole in life, at least not by itself. These things ultimately have to come from inside of you.
Write your goals down. What do you want to be better at? Do you need to be a better listener? To show more empathy? Or perhaps to be more generous with your time? Ask yourself whether each goal is realistic, achievable, and about you as a person. Make sure that the goals are also worded positively. That is, they should be about getting better and not at removing something from your life. Write that you want to get better at expressing emotion, and not that you want to be less cold to others. Set a time-frame and list specific things that you are doing or will do to address each goal. To be more generous with your time, for instance, you might say that you will volunteer at a soup kitchen once a month for the next three months. Set your list in a visible place. Put it on your mirror, your fridge door, or in your office to see. Keep it close so you can see it every day.
Exercise, a good diet, and rest will give you more energy and vim and put you in a positive frame of mind. Aim for a diet rich in vegetables, fruit, whole grains, and lean meats, for example. Take up an exercise routine. Doctors recommend at least 130 minutes of moderate activity per week for optimal health. This will help if you’re still healing from heartache, releasing feel-good, depression-beating endorphins. Exercise will not only make you healthy and happier, but it can also help you manage stress and boost your self-confidence around other people – all important in finding a partner. [9] X Research source
Have you properly grieved? Did you take the time to come to terms with your earlier losses in love? If not, you might be acting for the wrong reasons. Are you happy on your own? Looking for someone to “make you happy” or fill a void in your life is usually a bad idea. Have you let go of any lingering anger? Are you emotionally open to a relationship? If you’ve said yes to these questions, there’s a good chance that you are really ready to start meeting new people.
Sign up for ballroom dance lessons, for example. You’ll learn great moves and get to boogie with many different partners. Try a book club at your local library, alternatively. Read and discuss interesting novels at monthly or weekly meetings. Are you artistic? Sign up for painting or sculpting at a local college, or an art appreciation course at your nearest art museum. Take a language course. Have you always wanted to learn Italian? Sign up for lessons – you’ll meet new and very interesting people.
Sign up for a service like Match. com or OKCupid. Most use metrics to try to match you with people who share not just interests but also values and outlook. One of the big pros of online dating is that you can, potentially, meet a lot of new people. You can also filter them out. [13] X Research source On the other hand, the choice might be a bit overwhelming. Plus, your potential dates are not always accurate in their personal descriptions.
Blind dates can be spotty, but they sometimes work out. Ask a friend to set you up or, if you need more assurance, try a professional dating agency. You might also consider signing up for a singles holiday. There are plenty of companies that offer getaways aimed at singles and encouraging romance. Are you a romantic at heart? Why not place a classified ad? “SM seeks SF with a good sense of humor for romantic walks on the beach and fireside chats. ”
Let intimacy grow naturally. You might feel ready for it right away or it might take a while. The important thing is not to rush it. Don’t be afraid to fall in love. If a person makes you feel fulfilled and happy, they may be the right material.
