You may have had a previous relationship you thought was going well end suddenly without warning. You may have been in a previous abusive relationship. You may have suffered child abuse or other trauma while growing up. You may have experienced your parents divorcing while growing up. [2] X Research source You may have unmet needs or attachment issues stemming from childhood.
You may be afraid that you are making the wrong choice. You may be with someone and think, “But what if there is someone better out there for me?” You may be afraid that you are losing your freedom. You may no longer have wide-open weekends or the opportunity to do whatever you want, when you want. You will have another person’s needs and wants to consider. You may be afraid of the monotony. By being in a relationship, you will be forced to do the work of a relationship, which is not all fireworks and butterflies. Authentic relationships take a lot of maintenance to thrive. You may be afraid because of negative experiences in past relationships. Consider when you first started to feel anxious or uncomfortable in committed relationships. This may shed some light on the cause.
Try to turn off your inner censor and write quickly, without worrying about spelling or punctuation. Try to get into the habit of regular journaling. Many people find twenty minutes or so, first thing in the morning, to be mind-clearing and focusing. Be sure to revisit what you wrote to see if you hit on any clarifying points. Don’t worry if this doesn’t happen all the time. Journaling is a process.
For example, you may be renting an apartment in an area in which you have lived for years, because the idea of owning property and being “stuck” somewhere is terrifying. Or you may have dropped out of a training program for a job you wanted because you were afraid that would narrow your options down the road. You may struggle with staying in one job for a long period of time. Not having a track record of consistent employment may result in career difficulties or stagnation down the road. Speaking to a career counselor to help you figure out your professional goals and develop a plan of action may be useful in this situation. Figure out what might make non-relationship commitment phobia easier for you to manage. For example, you may feel more comfortable about buying a big-ticket item after doing lots of research on it. Or you may find rewarding yourself for sticking to a plan is the key to your consistency. For example, if you stay in a job for two years, you will reward yourself with a cruise.
Attachment theory focuses on a child’s early connections with their primary caregiver. This is important to consider in pursuing your own therapeutic work, because your early connections with your caregivers may have influenced your commitment phobia and/or how you navigate adult relationships. Ask your doctor, check with your insurance company for a list of in-network providers, or contact your local community health agency, for suggestions on how you can find a therapist near you. You could also type “find a therapist” into a search engine and you will find websites that can help you locate one.
All couples will argue. Not airing conflict is not healthy to a relationship, after all. Differences of opinion are to be expected between two people from time to time. All couples have something they do not like about their partner (whether they are willing to admit it or not!). Mature couples understand that, as long as their partner’s behavior is not a violation of their values, there will always be something unpleasant or annoying about their partner they have to accept.
Be specific about problems that you need to address and how they make you feel. You could say, “Last night you asked me when we could get engaged. It made me feel very pressured. ” This is better than, “You always pressure me about marriage!” Show empathy to your significant other by actively listening to them and paraphrasing back what you hear. For example, if your partner says, “I don’t know if you’ll ever want to get married,” you could say, “You’re worried that I don’t want to marry you. ” This will help you better understand where your partner is coming from. Apologize if you’ve made a mistake or hurt their feelings. Take responsibility for your behavior causing their pain. For example, “I’m so sorry I didn’t call you last night. I realize now that I had you worried. ” Remember that there is no weakness in apologizing. Apologizing demonstrates humility, warmth, and trust. If you need help better communicating as a couple, couples counseling may help you learn how to better communicate with each other. Look for a counselor who is trained in couples therapy to help you. [9] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
You could say, “I really care about you, but I have noticed that the closer we get, and the more in love with you I am, the more I feel like I want to push you away. This isn’t because you are doing anything wrong. It is because I am afraid. ” Try asking for understanding. You could say, “I know this is probably upsetting for you, but I hope you can understand where I think this is coming from. I am afraid to rush into things after my previous relationship. Do you think you could help support me and help me feel less afraid?”
If you and your significant other are discussing a deeper commitment to each other (such as moving in together or marriage), and you feel like it is moving too fast, talk to them. You could say, “I know you are ready to take this step, but I am feeling anxious about it. Would you be willing to wait to help me get comfortable with this idea?” Ask your significant other what amount of time would be appropriate. Keep in mind that it is also important to work on your commitment issues during this time and think about whether or not this is the person you really want to be with. Do not just remain in the relationship and hope for a sign.
Keep the list in a safe place that you can easily access in times you are feeling anxious or ready to run. Your words about how much you value this person may help keep you grounded and centered. Share your list with your significant other. They will find it very touching to know how much you value them.
Don’t say, “I’ll try to stop by” or “I might be able to make it. ” Say, “Yes, I’d love to come,” and keep your word.
Call a friend you trust and suggest meeting for coffee, for a drink, or for another activity where you can talk.
Say you are talking to someone at a party. They say, “Hey, maybe we can get together sometime!” You know that you are not really attracted to the person and are not interested in pursuing a relationship. You could say, “I’m not really interested in dating right now, but thank you,” or “That’s so nice of you to offer, but I am working on some personal stuff right now. ”
Pursue a person with whom you share common values. If you want to develop a genuine relationship with someone, you need to make sure you share some common foundations upon which to build your relationship. These may be things like a shared culture or faith, the value you place on your careers or family, or character traits you both value in others. [15] X Research source Take a risk and put yourself out there for the person you really like. While a “no” can be painful and feel like a setback, you will learn it is not the end of the world. See the setback as a chance to make yourself braver. If the person you are interested in is also interested in you, great! Have courage and move slowly, and let the person know you want to move slowly. You could say, “I really like you and want to get to know you better, but I have had some difficult times in the past. I hope you can respect that I want to take this slow for right now. ”
