It’s okay if you aren’t ready to forgive them yet. You’re allowed to take your time. [1] X Research source Take care of yourself and assess the damage first. Then consider forgiving once you feel ready. It’s okay if you never want to forgive them. Forgiveness should be done freely, not because you feel like you have to. Everyone heals differently, and it’s okay if forgiveness isn’t part of that process for you. Focus on what works best for you.
Because someone else said you should. Forgiveness is deeply personal. Your abuser may manipulate others into trying to get you to forgive them. People with no experience of abuse may naively suggest that you re-establish the relationship, not realizing that this could be terrible advice. Because you think it will fix things. Your actions won’t turn your parent into a better person. They would need to make that choice themselves. Don’t expect an apology or a better relationship to automatically happen after you forgive them. [2] X Research source Because you hate being upset. Difficult feelings are important to process. You need to experience your anger, sadness, fear, and other tough emotions on your own timeline. Don’t push yourself to forgive if you aren’t ready yet. [3] X Research source It’s not healthy to bottle up your feelings or sweep them under the rug. Because you think you owe them. Just because they have changed (or “changed”), or they now need someone to care for them, doesn’t erase all the harm they caused. You don’t owe someone your forgiveness. If someone abuses you, that erases any obligation you have to them.
Similarly, you shouldn’t put yourself in harm’s way in the name of forgiveness. Keep yourself safe, especially if they’ve shown that they are willing to hurt you again. [5] X Research source Nobody deserves to be abused, and that includes you. Protect yourself first. Worry about forgiveness after you are safe (physically and emotionally).
For instance, if you’ve told your verbally abusive mother that you won’t talk to her if she starts saying cruel things, you may have to hang up the phone on her a few times before she starts respecting your wishes. If your parent refuses to put any effort into changing the relationship, your best option may be to cut them off. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to make them part of your life. [7] X Research source Even if your abusive parent is elderly, you are not obligated to take care of them. Work with other family members to make other arrangements for them. It’s important that you protect yourself, even if your parent tries to make you feel guilty. Abuse negates responsibility. You have no responsibility to care for your abuser.
If you have a therapist, speak to them about whether or not contacting your parent is a good idea. The therapist can help you practice the interaction, prepare for multiple scenarios, and give you tips for practicing self-care to get through the conversation. If you think your parent will be defensive or evasive about the topic, you might also choose to contact them indirectly through another method. [8] X Research source If your parent is deceased, consider seeing a counselor to verbally process through what happened, writing a letter to your parent, or visiting your parent’s gravesite to speak to them.
Try to stick to the facts here and not make assumptions or accusations. Focus on what your parent did as well as how you felt and how the abuse has affected your life. You could open the conversation by saying something like, “Dad, I need to talk to you about something. It’s always really hurt me when you put me down and call me names. I want to have a better relationship with you in the future, but I need you to stop treating me this way. ”
If they respond positively and remorsefully, reinforce this by verbalizing gratitude. You may have more hurt feelings to process, or you may want to challenge some of the things they say, but save these for follow-up conversations. Of course, nothing can make up for an abusive past, but give your parent the benefit of the doubt if they try to make amends with you. Just because your previous relationship was soured, doesn’t mean the future has to be the same.
You might say, “I will never completely understand why you did what you did. But, I want to move on from there. I don’t want the past to hold me down forever. I forgive you, and I would like us to work on having a positive relationship in the future. " Alternatively, you could explain that you do not want to have a relationship or state the conditions under which you would be willing to have a relationship with them. Forgiveness can take time, so it’s okay if it doesn’t happen immediately. Make it a goal and decide how you can work toward it.
You may feel all kinds of emotions bubbling up when you think about the past, and that’s okay. Don’t judge yourself for what you’re feeling.
Be gentle with yourself as you heal. Remember that recovery is an ongoing process that can take years. Part of being self-compassionate is believing that you’re worthy of love and help, so open yourself to other people’s kindness as well as your own.
Avoid turning to alcohol, drugs, or other destructive maladaptive coping mechanisms that will only lead to stress and regression.
