If the person is across the country or far away, make a phone call, send an email, or text them. You don’t have to mention that you know they’re having a difficult time. Just being there for them, asking them how they’re doing, offering your support can be a huge boon to someone who’s struggling with life. While you shouldn’t just drop in on someone unannounced, it can be a good thing to visit someone in person. This is especially important if they’re dealing with an illness that makes it difficult to leave the house.
Focus on your friend, and focus on giving them someone to confide in, so they work through the healing process. If you have been through a similar situation as your friend, then you should use your past experiences to grant advice. You can ask if they would like your advice, but don’t be surprised if that isn’t what they’re really after.
Help them out with some chores like doing their grocery shopping for them, helping clean their house, take their dog for a walk. These basics tasks are usually the first to fall by the wayside when someone’s life is coming apart.
Never say something like “It seemed like you were doing okay, what happened,” or “Haven’t you grieved enough?” Tamp down on your own discomfort in the face of their emotions. Sure, strong emotions especially from someone you care about can be hard to face. Remember though, this isn’t about you. This is about your friend and the difficult time they’re going through. Make sure they feel comfortable enough to express their feelings around you.
Let your friend know they’re not burdening you. Say something like “Call me anytime you are feeling upset or overwhelmed! I want to help you deal with this difficult situation. " This is especially important when it comes to breakups or divorces. The support buddy is the person that they call when they want to call their ex. Share with them what you see as their value and unique qualities. [5] X Expert Source Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MACLicensed Clinical Social Worker Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.
Remind them to do things like shower, and exercise. The best way to do this is to offer to go on a walk with them, or to take them out for coffee so they have to put a little effort into their appearance. To get them to eat, it’s good to bring over food so that they don’t have to do the cooking and the washing up afterwards. Or you can take them out to eat (or order in if they aren’t up to much human interaction).
Offer options. Don’t just take your friend to dinner, ask them where they want to dine and when they want to dine. Letting them make decisions, even if they’re small decisions can go long way towards reclaiming their power. Don’t spend lots of money on them. Taking them to their nails done for cheap is one thing, but spending too much money on them will make them feel like they owe you and will make them feel like they can’t care for themselves.
Set boundaries. Even though you want to keep up with your friend as they struggle through their problems, you need to make sure that your life doesn’t start to revolve around them. Know what behaviors and situations trigger you. If you’re dealing with a friend who has recently escaped an abusive home, and that’s something you’ve had to deal with, you might need to back off a little.
Do they exhibit persistent sad, anxious, or empty moods? Do they present feelings of hopelessness or pessimism (nothing will ever get better; life is terrible)? Do they have lots of feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness? Are they fatigued, have decreased energy? Do they have difficulty concentrating on things, remembering things, or making decisions? Have you noticed insomnia, or oversleeping? Have they lost or gained significant weight? Are they restless and irritable? Have they mentioned or talked about thinking about death or suicide? Have they made or talked about making a suicide attempt? This could show by them saying something about how the world world be a better place if they weren’t in it.
Depressed people may respond to distractions. You don’t have to make the distraction super obvious. If you’re taking a walk, for example, pointing out the beauty of the light on the water, or the color of the sky can turn the conversation. Going over the same negative feelings again and again can actually make things worse, because it encourages a depressed person to remain in that negative place.
A depressed person might lash out by saying something hurtful or angry towards you. Remember that this is the depression not the friend who is saying those things. This doesn’t mean that you need to take abuse from them. If your friend is becoming abusive, as well as depressed, then they need the help of a therapist. You’re probably not going to be able to help them except by assuring them that you’ll be there for them when they stop hurting you.
Never do things like tell someone to “get over it” or that they could be happy if they’d only “do yoga” “lose weight” “get out more” etc. This will simply make them not trust you and will make them feel worse and guilty about what they’re going through.
People who are dealing with depression spend most of their energy struggling against and being swallowed up by their mental disorder. That doesn’t leave much energy for doing household tasks. Occasionally bring by a nice cooked dinner, or offer to help them clean their house. Ask if you can take their dog for a walk with them.
Some ways to help start the conversation might be: “I have been feeling concerned about you lately” or " I wanted to check in with you because you have seemed pretty down lately. " If they’re having difficulty with expressing their feelings or opening up you can ask some questions to help: " Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?” or “When did you begin feeling like this?” Some good things to say: “You are not alone in this. I’m here for you,” and “I care about you and I want to help you through this difficult time,” and “You are so important to me. Your life is so important to me. "
If your friend is consistently calling you in the middle of the night when you need your sleep, or talks about committing suicide, or seems to be stuck in the same horrible place for months or years, they need to talk to a therapist rather than you.
Ask them if they’ve ever considered or gone to a professional for help. Recommend helping resources, or if you know of a good professional, recommend them.
Don’t give up on them. Depression can be incredibly lonely and isolating and it can make someone feel like they’re crazy. Having people who support them can make all the difference.
Make sure that you’re taking care of yourself. Take breaks from the depressed person. Spend time with people who aren’t depressed and don’t need your support. Remember, that if you aren’t getting (or haven’t had) a reciprocal relationship with this friend then the relationship could end up abusive and one-sided. Don’t get sucked into that type of situation.
This is true even if their weight has become a health problem. Chances are they recognize that it’s a problem and if they want to do something about it, they will.
Commit to exercising with them. Tell them that you’ll bike to work with them, or go for a run in the evenings every day. Go to the gym with them and offer encouragement. Eat the dishes that they prepare, or some of their diet food with them so that they don’t feel so isolated in their food choices.
Cheer on the little victories and the things they accomplish. Avoid criticizing when they fail to do something right. If they eat the wrong foods or go a little slack on their exercising, that isn’t your job to tell them to shape up.
Take them out to a movie, or buy them a pedicure, or that lovely new book they’ve been craving.
Remember: whether they succeed or fail with losing weight, this is your friend. Their life shouldn’t have to revolve around weight-loss and how much they weigh.
It’s better to ask what they need, and simply be there for them, than to push in where you’re not wanted.
