For example, your friends may have said insensitive remarks about a person’s race, gender, or class that you know personally. Or they may have made insensitive remarks about a group of people that you do not know personally. Keeping the method in which they were delivered — such as in a Facebook post versus in person — can later help you decide how you wish to respond to the remarks.
There may also be other factors like who you are around when the remarks are said. If the insensitive remarks are made in front of others who may also be offended, you may decide to speak up because you will have others who will support you. If the insensitive remarks are said in the workplace, for example, you may feel more of a responsibility to speak up based on the fact that the remarks are unprofessional and may upset others. If the insensitive remarks are said around young people or children, you may feel it is important to speak up because you want to be a good role model and not make it seem like insensitive remarks are okay. If the person making the remark is much younger than you are, you may be tempted to let it go based on their age and inexperience, but it’s actually better to address it right away. Generally, the earlier the person is made aware of their insensitive remarks, the better chance they have of being open to learning about empathy, compassion, and considering other view points.
You may also decide to address the remarks later, after you have had time to think about your response. You may have a response that is more calm and clear if you take some time to process the remarks and avoid getting drawn into an emotional argument in which you might say something you regret. It is also possible you will be so shocked in the moment you won’t know how to react, or you won’t realize until later the full gravity of their remark.
If it is not possible to talk to friends about their insensitive remarks in person, you may send them a private message online with your thoughts. Commenting on a friend’s remarks on a public forum, such as Facebook, can lead to more conflict and may make it difficult for you to get your points across in a helpful way. Responding in a comment on someone’s post, for instance, makes the conversation public and other people may become involved in the conversation as well. Your friend may also become defensive and be less likely to listen if they feel you are attacking or embarrassing them in a public forum. Try a private, direct message or text instead. You might say, “Can I talk to you about your Facebook post?”
For example, you may say to the person, “I am uncomfortable with what you just said. I do not think your remarks are sensitive or fair. I am not upset at you as a person, but I am bothered by your comments. ” Avoid saying something judgmental, like “Only a racist person would have that opinion. " Responding calmly and with tact can help you learn to be assertive and set boundaries with others. Speaking up against what you believe is insensitive is a good skill to have regardless of age.
For example, you may say, “I want you to know that your remarks make me feel hurt and upset. I am offended by your comments because they stereotype black people. ” Or you may say, “I am feeling angry and upset by your remarks. I feel as though your remarks are insensitive and hurtful to women. ”
For example, you may discuss the racial history behind an insensitive remark that is made. Or you may send your friends links to information online that discuss why a remark may be insensitive. Do not try to force any knowledge on your friends if they do not seem interested. Sometimes simply expressing your dislike for their remarks is enough of a response.
If you are bothered that your friends do not change what they say, even after you have expressed your disdain, you may decide to distance yourself from them. You may also try to avoid talking about subjects with them that could lead to insensitive remarks, especially if you know their remarks will bother you or upset you. You may decide to avoid talking about politics and religion with this person, for example, because you know that it always leads to a heated argument.
You may seek out like-minded friends so you can talk together and share your feelings. This could help you cope with the insensitive remarks and feel less alone in your point of view. These friends might have a similar opinion of the remarks and wish to join you in speaking up. If you know that the person in question often dismisses your concerns or says you’re just being sensitive, being approached by multiple people may show them that you are not the only one who is offended by their behavior. Approaching the person as a group will send the message that those types of remarks will not be tolerated in the friend group.
Maybe you have a family member who has experienced insensitive remarks from those around them in the past. Or perhaps you have coworkers who are also dealing with insensitive remarks from friends. Organizations may provide you with more information about how to go about addressing insensitive remarks. The Anti-Defamation League, for instance, can provide you with assistance in dealing with anti-semitism.
For example, you may speak to your parents for advice on how to handle the situation. Or you may talk to your teachers, coaches, or other community members for guidance on how to deal with insensitive remarks from friends.
