However, if your child seems to struggle in many areas of development, such as school, work, finances, and relationships, you may want to carefully consider whether they are experiencing a “failure to launch. " Try talking with friends who also have young adult children to get a better idea of normal versus abnormal behavior. What is normal for young adults now may be very different from what you experienced as a young adult.
Sometimes disabilities are mistaken for “quirkiness” or “laziness” because others don’t realize how much of a struggle the person is going through inside as they try to meet expectations. Don’t feel bad if you didn’t notice, because sometimes the signs are subtle. Developmental delays don’t always mean that your child is going to need you forever. They just might need extra time and support during the transition to independence.
Instead of putting your child in a corner with an intimidating question like “What are you gonna do with your life?” raise the subject gently. You might say, “I noticed some pamphlets came in the mail for different universities. Did any of them interest you? What major are you considering?”
For instance, you might specify that your child can have friends over, but they have to leave before 9 PM. Have this talk as soon as possible, preferably before your child even moves back home. Be sure to emphasize that these rules are not meant to control your child. They are meant to make living together easier and more comfortable while also helping them to move forward with their goals.
Consider including a time component in your rules. For instance, you might agree to let your child live rent-free for three months, but expect them to find a job during that time and pay rent afterward. Include consequences for not respecting the house rules. For example, if your child drives your car but doesn’t fill up the gas tank, they might lose their car privileges. Make sure to specify that you can change the rules at any time.
Alcohol, marijuana, and other drugs often contribute to failure to launch syndrome. These substances can impair motivation and make mental health problems worse.
Giving in sends the message that you don’t really mean what you say. For instance, if you told your child that you won’t pay for their cell phone, don’t give them money when they’re broke one month. Be sure to communicate the rules to other members of the household, such as to your partner, so that everyone is on the same page.
If you decide to evict your adult child from your home, then you would need to provide them with a formal eviction notice. You cannot simply call the police and ask to have them removed.
This does not mean that you cannot be there to offer advice and help. It just means that they will have to do the work themselves and that you will not solve your adult child’s problems for them.
Charging your child a reasonable amount of rent is a good way to prepare them for paying bills later.
Avoid doing any of the actual work of job hunting. For instance, don’t call your professional contacts yourself – let your child do it.
You might say something like, “I’m so proud of you for getting this big job interview. Even if you don’t get the job, it’s still a great start!”
Seeking help for your child may even be a requirement if they are living with you.
