Stay calm as you’re discussing your feelings. Your sister is unlikely to listen to you if you start yelling and shouting. To keep her from feeling defensive, use “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say “When I feel like I’m not being listened to, it hurts my feelings. ” If your sister raises her voice or speaks to you harshly, politely ask her to stop. Make it clear that you want to have a conversation, not an argument. For example, you might say, “I don’t want to fight. Let’s try to calm down so we can actually listen to each other. "
Don’t be afraid to ask her to clarify what she’s saying to ensure that you really understand her feelings. For example, you might say, “I really want to understand what you’re saying. Do you mean that you feel disrespected when I borrow your things without asking?” If you find that your mind is wandering while your sister is venting, bring the focus back to her by repeating what she’s saying in your head. Make sure to put it in your own words, so you’re sure that you understand what she’s saying.
If your sister becomes violent during the course of your discussion, walk away immediately. Don’t be tempted to fight back, or your conflict will only become worse. Tempers may occasionally flare, but if your sister often resorts to hurting you because she’s bigger and stronger, you’re dealing with sibling abuse. Tell someone that you trust, such as your parents, grandparents, or a teacher. When you feel yourself losing your patience and contemplating hurting your sister, try counting to 10 in your head. That can often give you enough time to get your anger under control, so you don’t wind up doing something that you’ll regret.
You have to be willing to give something up when you compromise, so don’t expect your sister to do all the giving. The goal is to find a way for both of you to get a little bit of what you want. You might introduce the idea of a compromise to your sister by saying something like, “Maybe we can find a way for both of us to be happy. What if we try this?” When you’re arguing with your older sister, it’s usually best if the two of you can resolve the situation with your own compromise. If you involve your parents, one or both of you may wind up punished.
Your boundaries don’t just have include behaviors that you don’t like during an argument. You and your sister should discuss all of the things that you don’t like, such as entering one another’s rooms without knocking or borrowing one another’s belongings and not returning them. Be direct when you’re explaining your boundaries, so your sister knows what will happen if she crosses them. For example, you might say, “If you call me a loser, I’m going to walk away from our conversation. " It may be a good idea to actually write down a list the boundaries that you’ve discussed. Make two copies so you each have one, and neither of you can claim that you didn’t know or understand any of the things that you’ve discussed.
You shouldn’t make your sister feel bad about herself by making comparisons either. Whether the comparison makes you look good or not, it can cause trouble in your relationship.
Your sister isn’t the only one who can benefit from time alone. Make sure to take some time for yourself too. If you share a room, talk to your sister about coming up with a schedule where each of you gets a couple of hours or so a week of private time. You can do the same with shared spaces in the house, such as the family room or game room. Don’t try to tag along every time that your older sister goes out. Understand that sometimes she just wants to hang out with her friends.
If you’re not sure whether you’re being respectful of your sister’s things, just ask yourself, “Would I want her to treat my stuff like this?” Respecting one another’s belonging doesn’t just involve the things that you borrow. Don’t go snooping through her stuff to read her diary or take her phone to see who’s texting.
If you’re struggling to begin a conversation with your sister, start with your shared interest. Ask her a question about it, such as “What did you think of that episode/game last night?,” so she has the opportunity to share her opinion.
Working on a joint project together can be a good way to spend time together. For example, you might agree to make dinner for the family together once a week. It’s also a good idea to set aside some time each month just to support one another. You might go to your sister’s soccer match, while she attends your dance recital, so you’re both taking an active interest in the other’s life.
If you’re not sure what how to ask your parents for comprehensive rules, you might say, “I want to make sure that we all know what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t. Could you please set down some ground rules?” You may want to ask your parents to establish a procedure for how to report rule violations too. You don’t want your sister to accuse you of tattling every time you try to alert your parents to her behavior.
It’s important to be mindful of the fact that money sometimes plays a role in how many hand-me-downs you get. Don’t expect your parents to buy you all new items if your sister’s are still in good condition. If you’re unsure how to broach the subject with your parents, you might say, “It really makes me feel like an afterthought when I have to wear all of my sister’s old clothes. May I pick out a new shirt/dress/pair of pants for the party next week?”
Explain to your parents that you think it’s important for everyone in the family to have a chance to share their feelings. You might say, “I think we’ll all be able to get along better if we clear the air on a regular basis. " You don’t want family meetings to have a confrontational feel, so it often helps to make them feel more casual and fun. You might hold them on a night when you’re eating out as a family or having pizza delivered. That can help make the meeting something that you all look forward to.
