For example, if your mom constantly berates you about your career choice, you might choose to avoid that subject whenever you’re around her. Having to shut off parts of your life from conversation doesn’t feel great and it’s certainly unfair, but it may be the only way to get through interactions with your mom. [1] X Research source
For example, you might only talk to her on certain days—like weekends—when you’re not already stressed from other aspects of life. Or, you might limit in-person visits and stay in contact through telephone or Skype.
You might say something like, “Mom, it hurts me when you criticize my husband. It seems like you go out of your way to search for his bad qualities. ”
For instance, you might say, “I need you to stop bad-mouthing Michael. If you don’t, I will stop sharing any information about my personal life with you. ” You might spend some time writing down your boundaries and possible consequences before sharing them with your mom. [3] X Research source Maybe you are having trouble deciding how to set boundaries if you have never thought about this before. Take some time to learn about setting boundaries.
In other words, if you told her you would stop letting her see your kids or stop visiting as often, you will have to actually do that. Don’t negotiate with your mother or allow her to guilt-trip you into changing your boundaries. Stand firm. If she acts out in anger, don’t respond. [4] X Research source
For instance, your therapist may work with you to develop conflict resolution skills and learn how to confidently ask for support from others in your life. If, for whatever reason, a therapist is not a viable option, you might want to check out a self-help book from a local library about dialectical behavior therapy. This type of therapy teaches skills for mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness (boundary setting). [6] X Research source
For example, you might start walking on a nearby nature trail each morning just to clear your mind. You might also take luxurious baths with oils or scented candles or cuddle up by the fireplace with a cup of tea and a good book. Self-care can be any activity or practice that allows you to nourish yourself. [7] X Research source
Don’t make this decision lightly. Give yourself some time to reflect on what it would be like to not have a relationship with your mom. Write your thoughts down in a journal. Seek the advice of your therapist or closest friends.
For example, maybe your mother’s desire to control your life caused you to fight for what you really wanted. As a result, you are less likely to allow a lover or a friend to control your life as well. You are willing to stand up for what you believe in. Think about all the qualities and habits you have developed from learning to manage your mom. Then, use these to create a new, more positive story for yourself. At the same time, try to be aware of avoiding the mistakes your mother made when parenting your own children.
For many people, it is better to start off with neutral self-talk if you deal with a lot of negative self-talk. Studies have shown that it’s more effective to first go neutral before going positive since it is easier to make the switch to neutral talk than all the way from negative to positive. For example, you might have negative thoughts enter your mind whenever someone compliments your appearance like, “I know that’s not true, I know I’m ugly. " A more neutral way to rephrase this might be, “I may have a hard time believing it, but if someone is going out of their way to compliment me, they probably aren’t lying. "
In addition, you might want to check-in with your partner or co-parent and with your kids often to make sure those habits haven’t rubbed off. Develop an open and honest relationship with your kids and encourage them to come to you if they need to discuss how you parent. Also, encourage them to develop a relationship with your mother, but set realistic expectations so they are not disappointed when she can’t deliver.
Talk to them about what’s going on with your mother. Ask them if they feel similarly and how they deal with such treatment.
Positive social support can help counteract some of the negative effects of having a toxic parent. [13] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Examples of good role models might be teachers, coaches, community leaders, bosses, or older relatives.
