What purpose did the lie serve? Did it get them out of trouble, make them look good in front of others, or prevent someone’s feelings from getting hurt? For example, your friend may have told you they weren’t seeing anyone, but you later find out they were secretly in a relationship. They may have lied because they weren’t ready to introduce their date or weren’t sure if the relationship was serious.
Did you do or say something that influenced the lie? For instance, your best friend lies about seeing your girlfriend with someone else because you just said “Everyone is trying to tear us apart. ” They may have lied so they aren’t accused of sabotaging your relationship.
Say something like, “Hey, Rita, I’m worried that Jen is lying about something. How has she seemed to you lately?”
You might say, “I know you lied to me about having plans this weekend. I heard you on the phone with Sarah. Can you help me understand why you lied?” If you and your friend are in a group, you might pull them aside to confront them privately.
Let’s say your friend lies and says, “Yeah, I didn’t do anything this weekend, but study. ” Don’t say, “You’re lying!” Go for a more subtle approach, like “Hmph, that’s weird. Josh said he saw you down at the creek on Saturday. He must have been mistaken, huh?”
You might say, “Oh my goodness, I actually think your nose got bigger just now!” Letting on that you know they’re lying without direct confrontation may ease tension and help you get to the truth.
You might say, “Carly, I’ve noticed that your lying is getting worse. I’m really concerned. Do you want to talk to me about it?” Let them know you know about their lying. If you don’t confront it directly, it may just get worse.
Perhaps, by doing this, they’ll get the picture–that you’re not falling for their lies–and stop lying so often.
Let your friend know that you will be happy to open up more when they are ready to reciprocate.
Consider talking to your parents, your friend’s parents, a teacher, or other trusted adult. See if this person has noticed your friend’s lying problem. Put your head together with this person to determine the best course of action for helping your friend. They may need to see a professional mental health counselor to understand what’s at the root of their lying. If you have witnessed the destructive consequences of your friend’s lying, use examples to convince them to get help. For instance, you might say, “You’ve gotten fired from two jobs in the past month due to your lying. It hurts to see you this way. It will make me feel so much better if you saw a counselor. "
You might even say, “I forgive you this time, but please tell me the truth next time. ”
Voice your boundaries by saying, “I appreciate when my friends are honest and straightforward. I don’t want to be around people who lie and manipulate others. I’m sure you can understand that. ”
Stop spending as much time with this friend. If they ask why, you might respond with “I like being your friend, but your lying is out of control. I don’t want to be around that sort of behavior. ”
