Always trust your gut. If you don’t feel comfortable in a given situation, excuse yourself and leave (if possible). Don’t be afraid to ask for outside help/support, whether it’s someone to moderate the discussion or simply someone to be there for comfort. Determine whether or not you can safely deal with the person/people initiating the confrontation. If you can handle it, then proceed with caution and consider bringing in a third party to watch or help. If you cannot handle it, then leave. If you feel that your safety or the safety of those around you is threatened, call the police. [2] X Research source
Use neutral, non-confrontational body language. Avoid crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, avoiding eye contact, or turning away from the person. This can convey frustration, resentment, or disrespect, which could make the situation worse. Speak in a calm voice. Be warm, respectful, and courteous, both in your words and your tone. Apologize, even if you haven’t done anything wrong. Try to sympathize with the other person. For example, say something like, “I’m sorry that happened. I understand that you must be very frustrated. " Resist the urge to give commands. Don’t try to order a person to calm down. Instead, let your words and actions create a calm, comfortable environment. Let the other person be responsible for what happens next by saying something like, “I would like to help you, but I need you to calm down first. "
Ask the individual to tell you what happened from his own perspective. Let the other person voice his thoughts, feelings, concerns, and expectations. Consider taking notes on what the other person is saying, to show that you are taking the matter under serious consideration and valuing his input. Try to understand the root cause of the problem so that you can determine what needs to be done to resolve the conflict.
Don’t take anything personally that the other person says. He is probably speaking from an emotional place, and most likely does not mean the things he says. Getting defensive or angry with him will only escalate his anger. Think before you speak and choose your words carefully. Try taking a deep breath before you say anything so that your mind is calm and your words are well-considered. Avoid using any judgmental language. Let the person speak his mind without fear of retribution.
Remember that you have the right to be treated with respect, and you have the right to protect yourself from physical, mental, or emotional harm. [6] X Research source If you feel unsafe or your rights are being violated and you know it will not end well, tell the person you feel unsafe and you need to leave. Then leave the room, and if necessary, call for help. [7] X Research source
Start out by asking open-ended questions, such as “What’s wrong?” or “Why do you feel upset over ______?” Let the person vent his frustrations or talk out the problem with you. Once you think you’ve determined the cause of the problem, ask a “yes or no” (closed-ended) question to confirm that that is the underlying problem. For example, you might ask something like, “I just want to make sure I understand what you’re saying. Are you saying that the problem is you felt disrespected when you heard _______?"[9] X Research source
Try not to let your feelings cloud your reaction. You can do this by using calming techniques. Use deep breathing to stabilize your mood before you respond. Draw in a slow breath for four seconds, hold it for two seconds deep down in your diaphragm (as opposed to shallow breathing through the chest), and exhale slowly for six seconds.
Avoid jumping to conclusions. Listen without judgment, criticism, or any kind of reaction. Consider why the person feels the way he does. Perhaps he lacks social skills, or perhaps he’s been ignored/marginalized to the point that he feels this is the only way to get results. Consider whether you would be similarly hurt, frustrated, or otherwise upset if you believed you were being treated the way the other individual sees his situation. Ask the other person to clarify his stance. Say something like, “I think I understand why you’re upset. When I said ______, you saw it as an act of disrespect. Is that correct?”
Remember that you are responsible for half of every interaction. You cannot choose how the other person feels, but you can manage your own end of the conflict, and the first step in doing this is to remain calm and acknowledge any part of the problem you may have contributed to.
Never give a flat “no” response. Refusing to help someone will quickly put that person in a bitter and often defensive mood. Don’t make offers/promises that you can’t keep. This will only lead to further conflict down the road. If you can’t give the other person what he wants, let him know gently. Say something like, “Unfortunately we can’t do that, but we can offer you something else that will help. " Then try to come up with something that would somewhat appease the other person (like offering him store credit or coupons if you can’t give him a full refund, for example). Try to offer reasonable options, like “Let me make some calls for you” or “Let me see what I can do. " You may also want to include the other person on finding a situation by saying something like, “Let’s try to work together and come up with a solution that makes everyone happy. "
Enter the discussion willing to find an alternative solution. That way you will be less likely to rigidly hold onto your own opinions or viewpoint. Discuss the pros and cons of each possible solution with the other individual. That way he will understand why his desired outcome may not be feasible. Set S. M. A. R. T. goals (specific, measurable, achievable, results-focused, and time-bound). Setting S. M. A. R. T. goals will help you arrive at realistic, reasonable outcomes that can benefit everyone involved. [15] X Research source
Avoid unnecessary altercations. If someone has said or done something that mildly annoyed you but did not deeply offend you, violate school/workplace codes of conduct, or present any kind of threat, you may want to consider letting it slide and addressing the behavior if it comes up again in the future. [16] X Research source Evaluate whether your initiating the confrontation could damage workplace relations or ruin a friendship. This may require some abstract thinking on your part to imagine the potential outcomes and future implications of such a confrontation. Construct one or two calm, non-emotional sentences in your head that you could use to convey your problem, if you decide to confront the other person. Use factual evidence to support your position, and don’t let anger, resentment, or frustration color what you say or how you say it. Practice what you might say in your head before you actually sit down with the other person so you know how to best express your concern. [17] X Research source
Think of a quiet, private place where you can have a calm discussion with the other person. Ask that person politely, “May I speak with you in private for a moment?” Then lead him to the quiet place you’ve chosen, away from other people and distractions. If you’re talking to the other person in your office, consider keeping the door slightly ajar so that others can easily enter the room if need be.
Resist the urge to blame the other person, as this will certainly make matters worse. Try saying something like, “When you behave the way you’re behaving, I feel _________ because ________. " It may be helpful if you offer some position of understanding. For example, say something like, “I understand you’ve been having a hard time because of ________. But I feel very concerned and upset when you behave the way you’ve been behaving. " Be honest with the other person. You’ll never solve the problem if you’re not being completely honest with one another. [19] X Research source Let the other individual respond, and take his thoughts and feelings into consideration.
Try to identify both your own needs and motivation, as well as the other person’s needs and wants. Work on defining the issue and structuring the conversation in a way that will help all parties involved reach a mutually-desired outcome.
