Your partner may be a virgin because he or she practices abstinence. Abstinence means refraining from sexual activity. Your partner may be abstinent because of religious reasons. He or she may also be abstinent because they don’t feel ready to have sex yet. [1] X Research source If your partner is practicing abstinence, understand their expectations. People define abstinence in different ways. Some people define abstinence as refraining from genital-to-genital contact and may be open to other forms of sexual activity. However, others define abstinence more strictly. Ask your partner what they expect in terms of physical contact regarding the relationship. [2] X Research source Your partner may also be asexual. Asexuality means your partner does not experience sexual attraction or desire. Unlike people who practice abstinence, asexuality is not a choice. It is part of someone’s inherent identity and sexual orientation. People who are asexual may experience feelings of attraction without feeling the need to act on those feelings. Many people who are asexual engage in romantic relationships as they have an emotional need for intimacy. However, an asexual person may not want sexual activity to be part of a romantic relationship. If your partner is asexual, he or she may have specific expectations regarding sex in your relationship. Make sure you have a discussion about those expectations going into the relationship. [3] X Research source
Active listening is a manner of listening designed to promote mutual understanding. When listening actively, give your partner your full attention. Use non-verbal cues, like nodding on occasion, to show you are listening. Focus on what your partner is saying rather than formulating your next response in your mind. Repeat your partner’s words back when they finish talking. You want to make sure you are completely understanding of what is being said. If you misinterpreted something, your partner can help clarify for you. If you are not a virgin and your partner is, it’s important to listen. Your partner may feel intimidated by your sexual history as things may feel unbalanced to them. You want to make it clear you respect the fact your partner is a virgin and want them to feel as comfortable as possible in the relationship.
Your partner may not want to answer certain questions regarding their virginity. Conversely, if you have a sexual history, your partner may be uncomfortable hearing about it. While communication is important, if your partner is not comfortable with certain topics, be respectful. Do not push your partner to have a particular discussion prematurely. Allow the relationship to progress at a pace that’s comfortable for both of you. [4] X Research source
Know when and if your partner would be open to having sex. Your partner may not feel ready for a physical relationship at this stage in their life. They may also want to wait until marriage to engage in sex. If you’re dating a virgin, sex may not be a part of your relationship in the immediate future. Understand this going into the relationship. Understand what kind of physical contact your partner would enjoy. People who abstain from sex may enjoy kissing, hand holding, cuddling, and other light forms of physical contact. Your partner may also be open to more intimate forms of sex play, like mutual masturbation or oral sex. [6] X Research source You should also be very clear on what your partner does not enjoy. It can be awkward to pause in the moment to discuss boundaries. If there is a form of physical contact that is off the table, ask your partner to be upfront about this right away. Say something like, “I understand you’re a virgin. I want to know where the line is. What forms of physical contact are you not okay with?” You want to make sure you do not inadvertently make your partner uncomfortable during a moment of intimacy. [7] X Research source
Periodically reconsider boundaries. Return to the checklists you made earlier in the relationship and see if you’re both still comfortable with the activities you checked. [10] X Research source You should talk to your partner during moments of physical intimacy. Throughout physical contact, ask questions like, “Is this okay?” and “Does this feel good?” You want to make sure your partner feels safe and comfortable with you. [11] X Research source Talk to your partner about the need for communication. On occasion, say something to your partner like, “If you ever want to do something different physically, I want you to feel comfortable letting me know. " As stated, some people simply do not feel ready to have sex. It’s possible that, at some point in the future, your partner may be open to a sexual relationship. They will likely feel more comfortable engaging in sex for the first time if they know the two of you can discuss things like safe sex, STI status, and birth control beforehand.
Don’t put too much pressure on expecting the first time to be perfect. Remember, the more comfortable you both are, the better the experience will be.
Kissing can be a very sexually stimulating, especially if you kiss your partner on sensitive areas like the neck and the ears. If your partner is not ready to have sex, you can both gain some sexual pleasure from simple kissing. [13] X Research source You can also touch your partner in sexually sensitive areas. The breasts, the penis, and the clitoris are all very sensitive body parts. If your partner is open to it, you may enjoy sexual touching instead of actual intercourse. Oral sex can also be a pleasurable activity for you and your partner. However, keep in mind if your partner is abstinent due to moral or religious, reasons they may consider oral sex a form of sex. [14] X Research source Mutual masturbation is another alternative to sex. This is where you and your partner masturbate together. This can be an arousing form of sex play that does not involve physical contact with your partner. [15] X Research source There are a variety of forms of sexual contact and sex play you can engage in without having penetrative sex. The best way to figure out what works for you and your partner is to discuss and explore your options together.
Keep in mind not everyone is comfortable watching pornography or reading erotica. Remember to be respectful if your partner does not want to participate in this activity.
Talk to your partner. Engage in activities like long walks, long phone calls, and late night conversations. Go out to a coffee shop for a few hours and simply converse. Be willing to be vulnerable and share with your partner. Meet your partner’s emotional needs. If your partner needs to talk to you after a hard day, try to give them your full attention. Provide comfort when necessary. Sometimes, it can be hard to figure out how to best comfort someone. People respond differently to different kinds of feedback and comfort. It can be helpful to ask your partner something like, “What can I do to make you feel better right now?” Emotional intimacy takes time to establish. The best way to be emotionally intimate is to simply spend a lot of time together. Make time to talk to your partner every day.
