For example, you could try talking with a close friend about the way that your parents make you feel. Choose someone you feel comfortable talking to and who you know will not turn around and repeat what you said to your parents. Try to avoid becoming too dependent on this person for your emotional needs. Just talk when you need someone to listen to you. If you find yourself calling several times a day for reassurance, then you may be developing a codependent relationship with this person. Talk to your school counselor or therapist if you find yourself depending more and more on other people for validation.
If your coach or boss offers to mentor you, make sure that you take him or her up on that offer; however, you can also try asking someone to mentor you, such as by saying, “I admire your success in life and I hope to achieve many of the same things you have someday. I am not sure how to get there. Would you be willing to mentor me?” Try to avoid becoming too dependent on your mentor(s). Keep in mind that a mentor cannot replace your parents. You should not look to this person for parental guidance. A mentor is just someone who can help you reach your goals in school, work, or in another specific area of your life.
If your school has a counselor, stop by and see if you can make an appointment to talk. If you feel uncomfortable doing this or you’re not sure how to go about it, talk to a teacher you trust. You may also try asking your counselor if you can see a therapist by saying something like, “I have been struggling with some things lately, and I would like to see a therapist to talk about them. Can you help me find one?” Keep in mind that if your parents are abusing you, then your therapist or school counselor will be required to report it.
Most aren’t trying to make you feel unloved but aren’t aware of how their actions affect kids mentally and emotionally. [4] X Research source Try not to focus on how your parents treat your siblings. Instead, just focus on your relationship with them
The next time one of your parents says something mean or does something to hurt you, try telling yourself, “I am a good person who is lovable, beautiful and worthy. My parents are just struggling with personal issues and that is why they said/did that. ”
Maintaining a healthy diet. Exercising moderately most days of the week. Starting a daily meditation practice. Not smoking and not using drugs or alcohol.
For example, if you hear yourself repeating something your parents said like “You’re stupid if you can’t figure out division problems,” you might replace it with: “Learning long division is challenging, but I can succeed by working hard at it. I can also ask my math teacher for help. "
In the first column, make a list of your negative beliefs. These might include things like, “I am not good at making decisions,” or, “I am not very smart. ” In the second, explain why you believe these things. Did your parents tell you these things or do things to cause you to feel this way? In the third column, think about what believing this is costing you emotionally and in your personal life: are you depressed, withdrawn, afraid to try new things and fail, afraid to trust others or let people in, etc. ? List briefly but specifically what you are missing out on by letting yourself continue believing this negative self-image. Then for the final column, rewrite the thought to make it positive. For example, you might change a thought about your intelligence to something like, “I am an intelligent, capable person and I have accomplished many things using my brain. ”
Try volunteering for a local non-profit organization, getting a job that you will enjoy, or joining a youth organization or sports team.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE to talk about your situation and options. Don’t hesitate to dial 911 if you think you or another family member is in immediate danger. [8] X Research source You aren’t going to get in trouble for reporting that someone else is breaking the law!
If you are not sure cutting off all contact is necessary, consider the amount of pain they cause you vs. the amount of happiness. Dysfunctional parents may show love sometimes, typically when it serves their own interests, but a little love now and then isn’t enough to justify staying in a bad relationship with anyone. [9] X Research source
Not every adult or loved one will end up treating you like your parent does. Don’t be afraid to give others a chance to love you. Long-term loneliness can have serious health effects, worsening or even maybe causing diseases like diabetes, heart disease, and neurological disorders. It may even cause cancer to spread faster. [11] X Research source
Learn this like how to create a budget, how to do laundry, how to turn on the water heater in your first apartment. Estimate the costs of independent living and what you will need to get started. Get a job and save up money for a security deposit on your first apartment and some furniture. Maintain good grades despite trouble at home so you have the option of going to college. Ask your school counselor to help you find scholarships to pay for it.
For example, if you get a good grade on a test, your parents should congratulate you for this accomplishment. If your parents are toxic, then they might ignore what you said, change the subject, make fun of you for being a nerd, or say something like, “So what? It’s just a test. ”
For example, a parent who encourages you to make your own decisions might ask you questions about where you want to go to college and why; however, a parent who is exerting control over your decisions might tell you where you are going to attend college.
For example, a parent who shows appropriate emotional connection with his child might comfort her if she is crying; however, a parent who lacks an emotional connection with his child might ignore the child or yell at her to stop crying.
For example, a parent who has healthy boundaries with her child might ask how her child’s friends are doing, but would not insist on hanging out with her child and his friends.
For example, your parents should say things to build you up and make you feel good about yourself; however, you would feel bad if your parent said something like, “You’re worthless!” or, “I can’t stand to be in the same room with you!” Some parents will be kind and reassuring one day and then mean and critical the next day. But keep in mind that this is still verbal abuse, even if your parents are not always cruel to you.
For example, your parents should encourage you in your interests. A narcissistic parent, however, might only pay attention to you if your interests give him something to brag about, such as by telling all of his friends that you won a scholarship, even though he never asks about your studies or encourages you. Some narcissistic parents may have a personality disorder (PD). A person with PD displays self-centeredness, refusal to accept personal responsibility, constant self-justification, a strong sense of entitlement, and shallow emotions. A parent with PD might treat children like a burden or roadblock to her own personal goals. She will typically rely on emotional manipulation to control her kids. People with PD are often hypercritical of their children and can be physically abusive or prone to endangering their child’s welfare.
Sometimes parents assign cooking and cleaning chores to teach children responsibility, but toxic parents may heap many responsibilities on one child to avoid having to do these things themselves. For example, a toxic parent who does not want to cook or clean may shirk these responsibilities and force one of his children to do all of the cooking and cleaning instead.
For example, a parent who regularly says “I love you,” but who often ignores her children is not behaving in a way that shows love. Likewise, a parent who says that she wants her children to be independent, but never allows them to make any decisions is not behaving in a way that demonstrates what she says she wants.
