Dating is a non-negotiable in some families. This means dating is absolutely not allowed. If this is the case in your family, you may need to consider how to be content with being single. Their decision may make you feel angry, confused, and upset with your parents. Your emotions are all completely normal reactions to have, however, there are online resources (including the one listed here) that will help you concentrate on positive aspects of being single. Some parents may have biases and attitudes about other people that are discriminatory and not about keeping you safe. Discrimination can be about a person’s gender, skin colour, ethnicity, class, appearance, etc. Discrimination can be obvious, like not letting people come over because of their identity; and it can also be less obvious like if they talk badly about that person in terms of stereotypes, or assumptions, based on the person’s identity. If your parents have strong religious views on dating, you may want to talk to someone who has similar religious views to your parents, and ask them to help you understand the rules of dating in their religion.
If you are worried about your safety in the event that your parents find out about your dating, you may want to look into making a safety planner. A safety planner is your plan for how to get help if you are in a dangerous situation, and you can find one in the link listed. [2] X Research source
You can say, “Mom and dad, can I talk to you about dating? Is there a place we could talk just the three of us?” You may want to make sure that it is only the three of you talking, if you have siblings, don’t discuss dating with them. If there are other people there, they can make the conversation more complicated.
Write down what you want to say to your parents. You can write down all your thoughts and feelings and then circle the main points. After you have your main points rephrase them so that they are clear and direct. Remember to leave space in the conversation for your parents to talk. If your parents interrupt you often, calmly explain that you want to explain each point you are making fully before the discussion begins. Say, “I have some things to say, but I want to finish what I want to say before we start discussing it together, is that okay?”
At first you may find it difficult to listen because you are talking about that you really care about. However, if you can focus on what they are saying you will have a much more productive discussion. If you are unclear about what they are saying or want to show them you understand them, you can reframe what they are saying understanding what they are saying correctly. You can say, “So what you are saying is that…” and re-explain their most important points.
If your parents start to argue and get angry, back away from the issue and talk about dating at another time after they have calmed down.
For example, maybe your parents will be okay with you going out on a group date, even if they don’t want you to go on dates one-on-one, yet. Also, if you are able to respect a compromise you have made with your parents, maybe later they will allow you even more freedom to date.
After some time has passed, feel out the situation and decide when/if you should bring dating up again. If you can remain mature and calm through the discussions about dating, this might show your parents that you are more grown-up than they realized. If your parents say no it might be negotiable later or it may be completely non-negotiable. Whichever the case, consider spending more time with your parents rather than less. Your first impulse may be to pull away but your parents, however, maintaining a strong relationship with your parents is going to help you in the long run.
If you start having problems due to your relationship, have another talk with your parents. This is natural because dating is going to bring up a lot of new situations you need to talk through. Go through the same processes of communication that are described above. You may have to talk through the same issues several times before you both parties feel good about the situation. Remember, it is a growing process, and working through dating issues in a healthy way may end up strengthening your relationship with your parents and your partner.
If by dating you mean going out on group dates with your friends on the weekends and being home by ten, your parents may not have a problem with you dating. If, on the other hand, you want to see or talk to, the person you are dating every day and go to their house, then your parents will need to know that is what dating means to you. Telling your parents more about the context of what is going on in your life with dating, it may help them understand you and why you want to date. For example, if any of your friends have been dating for the past four years and you haven’t dated yet, you may want to tell them that.
If you think that your parents might be okay with you dating the person you are interested in, tell them about the person you are interested in, how you know that person, and maybe even why you like that person. Tell them what it will be like when you go on a date. Explain who you will be out with, what you will be doing, where you will be going, how you will get there, and what time you will be home. If you plan on hanging out with the person you are dating on a frequent or regular basis, let your parents know how that will look. Let them know where you will be expected to be, the adults or people that will be there with you, and how they can contact his/her parents if something comes up.
Some parents are going to be okay with you having sex, as long as you use protection and are old or mature enough. Other parents don’t want their children having sex until they are married. And there is a wide range between those two-parent types. Finding out how your parents feel about sex will help you decide how to have the conversation. For example, if your parents do not want you to date because they do not want you to have sex, you may want to think about asking to go on group dates before you ask to go on dates alone. If your parents are concerned about pregnancy, let them know that you want to be safe. Consider learning more about sexual health by going to sexual health clinic, like Planned Parenthood, or by talking to your doctor about sex. Let your parents know that you are knowledgeable and prepared. If you can talk to your parents about sex in a healthy and informed way, this may show them you have matured more than they realize. If you are not sexually active and do not plan to be sexually active, tell your parents that you have decided you are waiting to have sex! This will probably make your parents relieved, if they are concerned about sex.
If your parents are concerned about your maturity, make sure you come home when you are supposed to, send them texts telling them where you are, and act responsible about whatever it is that they typically get on you about. Your parents will be more likely to let you date if they see you acting maturely, consistently. If you are much younger than they want you to be to date, you may want to think about ways you can happily live single while you wait. The link here talks about how to have fun living the single life. If you are close to the age they want you to be, ask them if they are willing to negotiate and let you go on group or family dates.
Find out how old your parents think is too old for you to date, or young. Ask them if they have any other specifications of who you are (not) allowed to date. If your parents are not okay with you dating someone based on gender, skin color, ethnicity, class, ability, appearance etc. , this may because some of their attitudes are discriminatory and not about keeping you safe. See step 1. 2 for more information about what to do in this scenario.
