You could start the conversation by saying, “Mom, I can tell you have some doubts about my girlfriend. What is it that makes you think she isn’t right for me?” If she gives feelings without specifics, you could say, “I understand how you feel, but what are the specific things you have seen or heard that make you feel that way? I want to make sure I understand what has caused your negative feelings. ”
If possible, bring your mother to the side to have a conversation with her so you can really understand her motives and what is going on. For example, you might say, “I understand you don’t like those things, but how do they make my girlfriend a bad person or bad for me?” If your mom has yet to even meet your girlfriend, you might try, “Mom, I know that you are hesitating to accept her as part of my life, but it’s a little hasty to judge someone before meeting her. It’s not fair to her or me not to even give her a chance. ” In these situations, your partner should just take a step back. Regardless of what the topic is, it’s not necessary for her to feel like she has to immediately defend herself. Help her realize that she doesn’t have to win this battle, because there’s probably a long war to be won for the relationship to work.
If your mother rightly points out that your girlfriend is often late, you could say, “She can be late sometimes, but it’s not out of disrespect and doesn’t affect our relationship. ” If your mom is right that your girlfriend misplaces items easily, try, “Yes, she lost a pair of sunglasses and her water bottle. She’s never lost anything important, and how does any of that make her a bad person or a bad girlfriend anyway?”
”Mom, you taught me to always be honest with my feelings and genuine around people. The more I did that, the more my girlfriend and I started getting along. We are dating because I followed your advice and learned to be a good person. ” ”You taught me to make a list of pros and cons when making a big decision. When I decided to date my girlfriend, the pros totally outweighed the cons five to one. ” ”When I started working at the café near school, I learned how important free time is. When I asked myself what I could do to make the most of my precious free time, I decided this relationship was right for me. I made a rational decision based on a lesson you wanted me to learn. ”
For example, you could say, “Things aren’t as formal now, mom. Just because my girlfriend doesn’t come to the door every time she picks me up doesn’t mean she is disrespecting you. She texts when she is pulling up outside, and I run out the door. It’s quicker and easier. ” Give your mom a lesson in social media and try, “We don’t have to talk on the phone as much or plan dates, mom. We know each other pretty well already because we are friends online, and we hang out a lot with our shared group of friends when we go out. ”
You could say, “She is just my girlfriend, mom. She isn’t the only friend I have or the only girl I respect. You’ve been my mom my whole life and will stay my mom for the rest of our lives; I know that. ” Trust that your mom is feeling the stress of this conflict too. [4] X Research source
Your mom will trust your judgment more if she knows you take time to think and talk through your relationships. Your mom used to be a girl (maybe one not altogether different from your girlfriend) so she has insight into how things work in “girl world. " Getting an adult’s perspective on love can help you keep your feet on the ground when dating and romance can make your head spin.
If your girlfriend becomes the center of your existence, you give your mom a strong argument against the relationship.
Ask friends to casually mention some mom-friendly things about your girlfriend in conversation. For example, they could say, “Man, your girlfriend killed at that test today,” or, “Sorry we’re late, but your girlfriend just had to walk a bunch of carts back to the store before she’d get in the car. ” Your siblings could ask you questions when your mother is around like, “Why are you so happy today?” or “Why did you put all your clothes away so fast?” Your answers give you a chance to brag about your girl. Don’t be too obvious, or your mother will get the idea that something is up.
Remember that the goal is to have everyone get along. You need to stay on both sides. Avoid speaking negatively about one person when alone with the other. You want your mom and girlfriend to respect each other, not just tolerate one another.
Mention these things around your mother casually so it isn’t obvious what you’re doing. If your mom says something that your girlfriend would agree with, try saying something like, “That’s funny. My girlfriend thinks the same thing. I’m not so sure though. ” You instantly make your mom and girlfriend a team, and you can play up how your girlfriend eventually helps you see things your mom’s way. If you are playing games together, you can play “Girls vs. Boys” to ensure that your mom and girlfriend are literally on the same team for a time.
Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and your beliefs, but try to do so while respecting your parents’ opinions. Small towns especially can entail intricate family politics that are hard to avoid, and you might not see things the way your parents do.
You could say to your girlfriend, “Hey, my mom is still a little weird about us dating. Would it be okay if we make sure you come to the same games of mine that my mom does so she sees you there each time?” If your girlfriend has an innocent gift for you, why not plan to have her give it to you in front of your mom? Parents have invested much into your life, and they love you an awful lot. It is natural for them to want you to date someone who is willing to invest in you too. Of course, this goes both ways: let your parents see you taking an interest in your girlfriend’s larger life as well.
Everyone can benefit from learning to be courteous while disagreeing with someone.
If your mom doesn’t like you using your cell phone during dinner, remind your girlfriend not to text during those times. If your mom dislikes profanity, let your girlfriend know! If family members remove their shoes when they walk in the door, don’t shirk the rule for your girlfriend.
