If they see you as too biased, they may avoid coming to you with their problems. Try to stay polite, no matter how horrible the abuser is.

“Are you okay with him monitoring your texts?” “Does it bother you when she does that?” “How do you feel about him talking to you like that?”

“I’m worried about your safety. " “It scares me to leave you home alone. I remember the bruises she gave you and I worry you’ll get hurt again. " “I’ve never seen you so upset, and it worries me. "

If you tell off the abuser, it may anger them. Unfortunately, they may take their anger out on the victim in private later. As tempting as it is, it may endanger the victim.

An abuser may try to manipulate the situation to drive a wedge between the two of you. Don’t let it work. Even if you have a fight or something, make sure they know they can still come to you.

Mention the qualities you like most about them (resilience, wisdom, kindness, etc. ). Do activities together (e. g. bowling, painting) that they are good at. Help them feel successful and competent. Ask them for advice about something. Help a woman feel pretty by complimenting her looks or dolling her up.

For example, “Jess, I really want to help you, and this is such a difficult situation that I don’t really know how. You deserve support, and I want you to get the help you need, which is why I think it might be good to talk to a counselor who specializes in this area. I could help you find someone, and I promise I’ll still be here for you. " If they say yes, look for a domestic violence expert or therapist (not a couples counselor).

“You sound really scared to go home tonight. Would you like to sleep over at my house?” “Would you like to call an abuse hotline? If you want, I could make the call for you, or I could stay with you while you call. I’d also be okay with going to the next room if you want privacy. " “I know where the local shelter is. Would you like me to drive you there?” “Do you want me to help you find options?”

If you’re unsure, ask “Are you looking for advice, or do you just want to vent?”

“That sounds really difficult/frustrating/rough. " “I see. " “I’m so sorry to hear that. " “I’m not surprised to hear that you feel that way, given everything you’re going through. " “You’re allowed to be upset. "

“You need to leave them” or “You should get help” are examples of telling them what to do. Even if you mean well, this is usually unhelpful.