Another possible thing to say is, “I’m so sorry about ______. ” Don’t be worried about mentioning something painful; if they are upset, they are already thinking about it. Say things like, “It’s perfectly alright to cry. ”
Avoid statements like, “Look on the bright side,” or otherwise trying to put a positive spin on something that is obviously giving someone immense pain. In sum, don’t say anything with the sole intention of “cheering someone up. ” Instead, allow someone in emotional distress to release any feelings of despair or anger, not repress them. Focus on conveying the fact that you are simply there for them with statements like, “You’re not alone in this. I’m right here with you. ”
Whenever unsure, make sure that what you’re saying does not minimize or invalidate the suffering that another person is going through. Sometimes, even statements that are “true,” must be avoided. For instance, you do not want to tell a mother who just miscarried that she could have another child. While this may be accurate, it ignores her current suffering regarding the loss of her pregnancy.
Avoid equating your own experiences to what someone else is going through. Don’t say “I know how you feel,” even if you have had a similar experience. [3] X Research source Instead, say things like, “I know how much ____ meant to you. " Be honest when you’re at a loss for words by saying something along the lines of “I don’t know you’re feeling, but I care about you and I want to help. ” You can also say “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you, and I’m always willing to listen. ”
Do not be concerned that you’re bringing up something that someone may not want to talk about. If they don’t want to, they’ll say that. But chances are, they need to. Either way, the knowledge of your continued support will be a source of comfort.
If someone insists they need space, give it to them. Tell them you’ll check back with them in a few days. Let them know they can contact you whenever they wish to do so and that you’re there for them whenever they want to spend time together.
Don’t avoid or ignore someone because you’re uncomfortable with what they’re going through or don’t know how to talk to them. If you’re uncertain about what to do or say, convey your condolences and ask if there is anything you can do.
Avoid asking someone how they feel if you run into them at a social function. While you should encourage them to talk about how they’re feeling, do so in an environment where you have privacy and can give them your full attention.
Any suggestions you make should be based on things they’ve said themselves. Asking them who and what they think might help is a good place to start. Stay alert for any signs of worsening emotional distress. If you ever have the inclination that they need professional help, encourage them to get it. Be prepared to do so by having the contact information to relevant people and organizations available.
Initially, look around. Are others around who may know what happened or may be able to help? Are there any apparent dangers in the area?
If knowledge of your career might also comfort a stranger – for instance, if you’re a teacher, doctor, or firefighter – you might also want to mention this as well. Avoid giving generalized reassurance. Though it may be tempting to say something like “everything will be okay,” this ignores how the person is feeling in the moment. Statements like this may even make someone who is upset less willing to receive consolation.
Speak calmly, slowly, and softly. Avoid whispering or shouting. Be ready to back off if the person perceives you as a threat or acts aggressively towards you. If either of these occur, make sure that authorities are on the way, but remain at a safe distance.
As the other person is speaking, offer non-verbal encouragement by nodding and making affirmative sounds to indicate that you’re listening. Do not argue with that an upset person is saying. They may be saying things that do not make sense, or that may even be insensitive. Keep in mind that your goal is consoling the person, not having a conversation, and that their brain is likely flooded with emotion.
If the person insists on a drastic or unreasonable action, do not argue with them. Rather, propose alternatives and otherwise attempt to distract them from any course of action that may be unsafe.
Humor may be especially helpful in serious situations, wherein a moment of respite might help someone calm down. Just make sure you know the person who is upset will appreciate any humor before trying to lighten up the situation.
