Talk with a trusted friend who has known you a long time. They might be able to help you figure things out. If you see a therapist regularly, you can ask for their help in plumbing the issue. If not, you can try writing about your lie in a journal or self-reflection exercise and see if this gives you any insight.
Sometimes this is straightforward. For example, if you lied on a job application, you need to tell the recruiting officer with whom you interviewed. Sometimes, though, the issue is less clear-cut: there might be people who you didn’t directly lie to or about, but who were or could be affected by the deception. For example, if you cheated on an exam, you should tell not only your teacher, but also your parents or close guardian who need to be aware of your behavior. If there are multiple parties to whom you should divulge your lie, do so on a one-on-one basis rather than grouping them together. This will make it easier for you to be direct and open, and it will also show those to whom you’re confessing that you respect and care enough to dedicate one-on-one time to them.
Pick a time when you and the other person can think clearly. This means you probably want to avoid lunch break or the morning hours when people are often preoccupied with work problems. [2] X Research source
Public places like coffee shops or park benches can be a good idea, but make sure it’s not so busy that you get distracted or feel uncomfortable about talking about personal things in the proximity of strangers.
It can help to remember that, while you were wrong to lie, it’s a noble act to recognize and admit your wrongdoing. Allow yourself to be proud of your decision and acknowledge its bravery.
Use “I statements” when talking about your lie. This will help to make sure that you aren’t slipping into any accusatory or blame-dodging patterns. Also, be sure to lead with a total acknowledgement of responsibility before venturing into explanations.
It can help to reassure your interlocutor that you have no expectations regarding their acceptance of your apology. This lets them know that you are apologizing for the right reasons—to admit your culpability for the simple sake of honesty—and not for wrong, self-serving reasons, such as feeling relieved or absolved by another’s forgiveness. [7] X Research source Avoid hedging phrases that qualify and undermine your apology. Things like “I’m sorry if you were upset by what I did” are not real apologies, but rather weak expressions of pity or compassion. You need to be direct and say “I’m sorry for what I did, period. ”
If you’re worried about getting flustered or emotional and, consequently, getting off track, bring a “cheat sheet” with you. This can be a card or leaf of paper where you’ve outlined briefly the points you want to cover. Avoid drinking alcohol or coffee before or during your confession as this can make you more emotional or tense. Drink green or chamomile tea instead, as these have natural placating side-effects. [9] X Research source
Let the person know they can take time to reflect on everything and the two of you can talk about it later after they’ve collected their thoughts. There may need to be a few conversations about this lie before it’s all said and done. This doesn’t mean you have to tolerate abuse or other violent reactions. Just because you’ve done something wrong and admitted to it, you don’t deserve to undergo overly punitive measures. [11] X Research source If the person reacts poorly, apologize again for your lie and withdraw as quickly as possible from the situation.
No journal? No problem! Open up a Word doc on your computer and do a free-write, or jot down some ideas in an old school notebook. If you have a personal blog, try writing about the lie in the blog. If you see a therapist regularly, you can ask for their help in thinking about the problem.
If you don’t have the person’s email or postal address, try checking with friends for a way to get in touch. Don’t write a letter by hand if you have messy handwriting. You’re already asking someone to read your confession and apology; you don’t want to additionally ask them to puzzle over your handwriting.
Your outline should be no more than one page. Write just one bullet or the topic sentence for each paragraph and then fill in the surrounding text later.
You can (and should!) include more specific and personal details in your letter, but don’t stray too far from the simple formula of disclosure, apology, and conclusion.
If you’re writing an email, save it as a draft but don’t enter the addressee yet. This will ensure that you don’t mistakenly send the email before it’s all prepared. If you’re mailing a letter, wait to buy the stamps you need until the next day so that, even if you get the urge to send it off right away, you won’t be able to apply the necessary postage.
If you have a close, trusted friend who knows the situation, think about reading your letter to them and asking for their feedback. [15] X Trustworthy Source University of North Carolina Writing Center UNC’s on-campus and online instructional service that provides assistance to students, faculty, and others during the writing process Go to source
If you’re in school or college, your institution might provide a free counseling service that performs conflict mediation and relationship counseling. Look over your school’s website for information about this possibility, or talk to an administrative official who can direct you to the right place.
Feel free to consult with a few different mediators before you choose one. Fees for therapists who perform mediation vary significantly, so get a written quote before you commit to one. [17] X Research source Make sure the party you choose is a disinterested party and trained in conflict resolution. Even if your parent or relative wants to help and thinks they can be objective, they are only a good option if they are a lawyer or therapist, or if they have completed some kind of conflict resolution training. [18] X Research source Even if you like the looks of a mediator, take a little time to review the counselor’s client feedback on sites like Yelp or Better Business Bureau. This is particularly important because some states don’t require professional mediators or conflict resolution counselors to possess a special license or affiliation in order to practice, so you’ll need to do your own research to make sure you’ve found a good one. [19] X Research source
Remember that your mediator is a valuable resource and can refer you to a long-term psychological professional if you’re interested. Seeing someone regularly can help you work on living more honestly and avoiding similar mistakes in the future.
If you work or study full-time, you should try to make the appointment for after work rather than during lunch. This will help avoid distraction and work-day stress. [20] X Research source
Don’t drink coffee or alcohol before your meeting as these can make you jumpy or overly emotional.
Try meditating, drinking green tea, or doing relaxing exercises like yoga or controlled breathing beforehand. A centered mindset will help you organize your thoughts and be a better participant in the mediation. [23] X Research source You can also try visualizing the meeting going well to calm your nerves and make sure you approach it with an open mind.
When it’s your turn, admit your lie as clearly and concisely as possible. Use “I-statements” to avoid sounding accusatory or blame-shifting. When it’s your friend’s turn, listen attentively. Chances are, you haven’t understood or considered their side as much as you could have, so listening to your friend will provide you valuable insight. [24] X Research source Practice active listening as well. Provide nonverbal indicators that you are paying attention and repeat back what you hear them saying in your own words.
