People can be particularly touchy about receiving gifts, even after a funeral, so approaching them when they are alone will maximize the odds of them accepting your offer of help. At the same time, don’t let waiting for the “perfect” time become an excuse for not reaching out to this person. There may never be a “good” time to talk, but you should be able to identify that some times are better than others. For instance, if they are in the middle of talking with the funeral director or arguing with their child, it’s probably best to wait.
It’s important that your words are sincere and genuinely sympathetic. If you don’t know what to say, it’s okay to say something like “I wish I knew what to say. I just want you to know I’m here for you. " If the person who you are talking to doesn’t know you personally, make sure to offer a quick introduction letting them know how you knew the deceased. Otherwise, they may not feel comfortable talking with you. You might say, “I’m Michael Smith and I worked with Noah in the lab at NYU. ” If the person who is grieving seems almost rude or is really hasty with you, don’t take it personally. It is likely that they are overwhelmed and are not behaving as they usually do. There are some things you should avoid saying. It’s generally not a good idea to talk about “moving on” in this initial conversation. You should also avoid platitudes like “He’s in a better place,” “It was her time,” “Be strong,” “I know exactly what you’re going through,” “There’s a reason for everything. “[2] X Research source The grieving person likely doesn’t want to hear it and your words will likely not be appreciated. Instead, keep it short and simple and let them know you are there to support them. [3] X Research source
For example, if they only have a limited amount of time, you could offer to pick up the extra flowers from the funeral and donate them to a hospital or other charity. Many people will make a general offer of assistance and say something like, “Call if you need me,” putting it on the grieving person to ask for help. But the grieving person may be hesitant to ask for anything or be a burden on others. Instead of putting the responsibility on the grieving person, come forward with a specific offer, like “I’d like to help by bringing you dinner tomorrow so you don’t have to worry about cooking. Is that alright?”
You might say, “I understand your hesitation. How about we talk again next week?”
It is a particularly good idea to check in with the person who is grieving over any holidays as these can be times of loneliness and negative feelings following a death. Try to walk a fine line between being there for the person who is grieving and pestering them. And, some people simply wish to mourn without interacting with too many other people. Try to find out about their needs rather than imposing yourself on them. At the end of one conversation, you might get an idea for their wishes by saying, “I was thinking about calling you next week to see how everything is going then, will that be okay?”
Make this offer more enticing by offering to do something that they enjoy, such as spending an evening knitting or watching an action movie.
You might say, “Remember how Samantha loved this movie so much? I always liked watching it with her. ”
This is a very touchy subject, so it is important to proceed carefully or you could offend the person who is grieving. You might say, “I’ve heard about groups in the area that meet to talk about loved ones who have passed away. I don’t know if it is your type of thing, but I would be happy to go with you, if you’d like. ”
Part of this task could also involve keeping track of any necessary paperwork, such as death notices. These documents will often be required by credit card and utility companies if accounts need to be closed. You could also organize a phone chain if the deceased was well-known and there are a large number of people to be contacted all at once.
On the day of the funeral itself, you could be of assistance by acting as an usher or assisting the person who is grieving in getting ready. You could also act as a liaison between your grieving friend and the funeral director.
