There are many reasons why you might choose to come out. It is up to you as an individual to decide when it is a good time and when there is a good reason. For instance, maybe you are very close to your parents and you don’t like the distance that keeping a secret creates between all of you. Avoid coming out because of anger. Remember, your sexuality is not a weapon to be used to upset anyone. If you feel that the only result will be a hateful response, consider waiting to have this talk.
If you are worried about being kicked out of your home, consider waiting to come out until you are financially independent. Consider your safety. Are you scared that one or both of your parents may become violent? Make sure you have a plan to get to a safe space if that occurs. One strategy is to identify a friend who can provide a safe place for you to go if the conversation with your parents does not go well. This space can also give your parents time to reflect on the conversation so you can have a follow-up conversation. You also want to think about the possible benefits of coming out. For example, this could make your relationship with your parents much stronger. You might also feel emotionally better and a huge relief knowing that you don’t have to keep your sexual identity a secret.
Make a plan in case your parents are not supportive. Are you prepared to cut off contact with them? Do you have a safe place to stay, if necessary? If your parents request space, or if they no longer seem to be hearing you, don’t press the issue. This may increase the stress and tension in the moment. Try to set an agreed-upon date and time to have a follow-up conversation. Your parents may not be able to process any more information until they can fully absorb what you have already shared.
Maybe you’ve already come out to one or more close friends. Ask them to support you before and after your talk with your parents. You can also seek support from your college or community’s LGBT support center. Anyone that you really trust can be an ally for you. Talk to the person about your plan to come out to your parents. Find someone in your support group who is willing to let you stay with them if things do not go well during the discussion.
Try practicing with a friend or relative. They can help you figure out the right words. Try to figure out, at the very least, what you want to use as your opening line. You might say, “Mom and Dad, I have something to tell you. Please listen to me with an open heart and an open mind. "
It’s also important to choose the right place. In many cases, it might be best to do this in private. Your living room might be a good choice. If you have any concerns about your safety, though, a public place might be a better choice. You could consider a coffee shop. Or you could go to a relative’s house if they are supportive of you.
A good opening line could be, “Do you two have time to talk? I have something important to tell you about my sexuality. " You might also choose to wait until you are actually sitting down to talk and say, “I want to let you know that I am gay. I hope that you can support me in being who I am. "
If your mom says she needs time to think, allow her some space. There is a difference between showing empathy and letting people hurt you. If there is any kind of abuse in response to what you’ve shared (such as insults or verbal abuse), walk away. If you have made arrangements with a supportive friend or family member, go to their house so they can help you through this difficult time.
Show that you are willing to listen. Maintain eye contact. You can also avoid defensive postures, such as crossing your arms.
Instead of yelling, “Why won’t you listen to me!?” try calmly saying, “It makes me feel frustrated when you keep interrupting me. " Try taking a deep breath before speaking. It’s also fine to take a little time to think about what you want to say next before speaking.
You can say, “I understand this is emotional for you, but I will not listen to these hateful words. Please let me know if you would like to continue this conversation when you calm down. "
Print out some information to have on-hand during the discussion. Your parents will be processing a lot of information during this discussion, and it may be difficult for them to remember the names of organizations, web addresses, or information you share. Have these available in a hard copy so that your parents can read the material when they’ve had some time to think about the conversation. Among the printed materials you may want to provide the website for PFLAG, which is an organization that help families and friends learn to be supportive of those who identify as LGBT. [11] X Research source Additionally, you could provide them with the number or website for the LGBT center on your campus or in your community. They will likely have helpful facts for your parents.
Your parents may grieve, which is completely normal. They may have had a vision of who you are or what your future will be like; grieving means they’re coming to terms with the loss of this vision. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually acceptance, but they don’t have to happen in any particular order. Understand that grieving is very personal, and you can’t predict how long your parents will be in any one stage of the process. Grief is also not linear, meaning they may go forwards and backwards, they may experience multiple stages at once, or they may skip over certain stages entirely. You may be going through a grieving process yourself during this time, over your parents’ reaction and your fear of losing the relationship.
If your parents were verbally abusive, you do not need to feel bad about closing the conversation. Remember that no one has the right to make you feel bad about who you are. Ask your parents if they would be open to attending family counseling/therapy. Look for someone with experience with LGBTQ issues. A mediator can help keep communication clear and respectful.
You can also find support at your campus or community LBGT center. Your community might also have some LGBT friendly churches where you can go and find new sources of support.
