You don’t think much about sex. You might wonder how sex works, physically speaking it, but don’t find it alluring or exciting. It’s scientific curiosity, not romantic or erotic. Or you wonder why everyone thinks it’s such a big deal. You don’t have sexual urges, or have them not directed at anyone. You don’t see the appeal of “sexy” clothes, “sexy” pictures, or pornography. Arousal annoys you (or never happens). If you see a picture of a naked person, your thought is “so that’s how it looks,” not excitement or arousal. You don’t have sex dreams, or you find them uninteresting, or they are fueled by scientific curiosity. You don’t like sex, find it disappointing or don’t enjoy it as much. Perhaps you’ll have it, but never initiate it. Conversations or book/movie scenes about sex bore you or seem out of place.
Try reading expert articles on childhood sexual development. [6] X Research source If you skipped some of the steps, or still never experienced some of the steps, you may be asexual. (Keep in mind that if you have a developmental disability, you may develop at a different pace, without necessarily being asexual. )
Teenagers are too young to know. Straight teenagers aren’t told they’re too young for dating. And most people figure these things out around ages 9-12. You should try it first. You don’t have to try something to know it’s unappealing. You haven’t tried eating garbage either, but you know you wouldn’t like it. Humans can’t reproduce asexually. The asexual identity is separate from animals that reproduce asexually (i. e. , by cloning themselves). “Asexual” is a word with two meanings, like the word “straight,” which is both an identity and an adjective meaning “not curved. "
“Let’s use a caffeine analogy. Let’s say that men are like coffee, women are like tea, and nonbinary people are like other caffeinated drinks. I don’t find any of the above interesting. " “For me, sex is like anchovies. Other people can have as much as they want, but I personally think it’s gross, and don’t want any. "
Aromantic—not experiencing romantic attraction Panromantic—attracted to people regardless of gender Homoromantic—attracted to the same gender Heteroromantic—attracted to different genders You’d put the terms together, such as “panromantic asexual,” to describe yourself.
If your parents are strongly anti-LGBT, and you are still financially dependent upon them, do not come out to them. Only revisit this decision once you are completely on your own. Do not risk your physical safety or finances (e. g. college fund). They are not entitled to private information about you. If your parents are prejudiced against other LGBT+ people, then they are probably prejudiced against asexuals too. [8] X Research source
If you tend to stammer a bit when you are nervous, practise repeating what you are going to say, slowly and carefully. If you aren’t sure if it’s a good time, say “Is now a good time to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind for a while?” Don’t stress about waiting until the perfect moment to come out. If you feel like you’re ready to tell your parents, sometimes it’s best to just come out and say it so it’s not weighing on you anymore. [9] X Expert Source Lauren Urban, LCSWLicensed Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
“I want to talk to you about something important I’ve realized about myself. You know how I’ve had a hard time relating when my friends talk about crushes and sex? Well, there’s a word for that, and it fits me. I’m asexual. " “I always felt so awful about never wanting to kiss or make out with my girlfriend. I thought something was wrong with me, and I blamed myself and thought I was broken. But then I learned about this thing called asexuality, and it means that some people were born this way, and maybe I don’t have to hate myself anymore. "
Some might be proud of you for coming out. Others might have suspected for a while, or consider it not to be a big deal. A few might be confused and need you to teach them about asexuality. Some may not understand asexuality, and think that it is a medical condition or a problem. They may react negatively or think they caused it. Tell them that this isn’t a sign of bad parenting, and that you’re happier this way.
What’s asexuality? “It means I don’t feel sexual attraction. Every asexual person is different. For me, I. . . (describe your own experiences). " Is that a real thing? “Yeah, it’s real. Having a word for my feelings helps me feel a lot better about myself and my life. I get it if you don’t understand right away. Please know that this is important to me, and it helps me feel good about myself. " Did I/we do something to cause this? “No, asexuality is totally healthy and natural. I’m pretty sure I was born this way, and I’m okay with that. " Are you okay? “Yes. Being happy means being myself, and so living my best life means accepting myself as asexual. " Will this make dating harder for you? “It might lead to some problems if my partner wants different things than I do. I hope I can count on you to be there for me if I am having trouble and need help. " OR “I’m not interested in dating. This makes my life so much simpler and easier, don’t you think? For me, happiness looks like a dog/a job making movies/a good friend group/etc. " What if people try to hurt/bully you over this? “I’ll be careful about who I come out to, and work on being a good judge of character just like you taught me. I also hope I can come to you if I’m ever having a problem. " I don’t understand this. “It’s okay if you don’t get everything yet. All I’m really asking for is your acceptance and support. And if you want, I can show you a few websites that could teach you a little about asexuality and what that means for me. "
If the idea of coming out makes you nervous, you don’t have to. You’re allowed to keep it private if you’re more comfortable that way.
Noisy or crowded places, such as malls or busy restaurants, can make it harder to have a detailed conversation. Avoid springing the news at an event for someone else, such as a birthday party. This day should stay focused on them; you can bring it up on a different day. Your own party is fine, though.
Something like this might work: “I’ve learned something interesting about myself, and because I’m close to all of you, I wanted to share it. I’m asexual. " Be prepared to explain what asexuality means, and give them some time to understand. If your friend cannot accept the fact that you are asexual, then don’t focus on them. Focus on the people that accept you for who you are, and support you. In time, your friend may slowly start to accept your sexuality, and even if they don’t, you still have your family and your other friends.
