If you and your girlfriend have been fighting, wait until you’ve both calmed down before having a discussion. Trying to talk while both of you are upset may lead to more fighting and resentment. [1] X Research source You might start by telling her how you feel, then inviting her to give you her perspective. Use “I” language to express your feelings. For example, “I feel unloved lately, and I’m afraid we might be drifting apart. How are you feeling about things between us?” Do your best to stay calm and civil, and listen actively to what she has to say.
Even if your girlfriend is at least partly responsible for things going sour between you, blaming her will only put her on the defensive and create a deeper wedge between you. Putting all the blame on her also takes away your own agency in the relationship and makes it harder for you to focus on making things better. [3] X Research source
For example, you might say, “You’re right, I haven’t been as attentive to you lately as I should have been. I let myself get too caught up in my own projects and didn’t really think about your needs. I’m sorry, and I’ll make an effort to do better from now on. ” Avoid apologizing in a way that puts the blame on your girlfriend or excuses your actions. For example, don’t say something like, “I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t have frustrated me like that. ”
Try showing that you understand what she feels by “reflecting” her feelings back in your own words. For example, if she complains that you spend too much time watching TV instead of having quality time with her, say something like, “It sounds like you feel lonely and frustrated when I watch TV in the evenings instead of sitting down to chat with you over dinner. ”[5] X Research source
For example, if she’s frustrated because she feels like she’s doing too much work in the relationship, talk about ways to split up your responsibilities more evenly. You could offer to take turns cooking or washing the dishes, for example.
For example, maybe your girlfriend has trouble trusting you because you’ve been unreliable in the past. Make a point of establishing consistent behavior patterns going forward—e. g. , if you say you are going to be home at a certain time, make sure you are there! If you do slip up, own up to it and apologize immediately.
You might say something like, “I understand that you don’t feel like talking about things right now. I just wanted to let you know that I love you and really want us to make this work if we can. I’ll be here if you want to talk. ”
If your girlfriend does break up with you, respect her decision. Lashing out at her or pursuing her when she’s asked you to leave her alone will not make her more inclined to give things another chance.
Every woman is an individual, so don’t assume you know what your girlfriend wants or needs. She might want more physical affection, or she may wish you’d spend more time discussing her favorite books with her. You won’t know until you ask!
Make sure not to just focus on superficial things, like her appearance. Your girlfriend probably appreciates hearing that you think she’s beautiful, but remember to comment on who she is as a person, too. You could compliment her on things like her personality, her accomplishments, or even memories of your time together and what they mean to you.
For example, you might try surprising your girlfriend with a gift or taking her back to the same place where you had your first date. More practical gestures can be romantic, too—for example, you could surprise her by cooking her favorite dinner or offering to give her a massage after a long day at work.
You may also find it helpful to have an open and honest talk with your girlfriend about what both of you expect from your sex life. Finding out what she likes and doesn’t like can improve your intimate moments and help you connect on a deeper level.
For example, you might ask your girlfriend questions about the things she’s interested in. Watch movies or read books with her so that you can discuss them together. If she has any favorite hobbies, consider trying them out together. Even if you don’t find all of her interests that exciting, you can show her that you value her by making time to listen when she wants to talk about the things she loves.
Being open and vulnerable can also help you get your needs met, because your girlfriend will have an easier time understanding and empathizing with you.
Going to couples counseling is also a good way to show your girlfriend that you are serious about making the relationship work. Do an online search or ask your doctor to recommend good couples counselors in your area. If physical intimacy is a big problem in your relationship, you might benefit from seeing a sex therapist.
Look for a therapist who has experience helping people with relationship issues. You might see a clinical psychologist, a marriage and family therapist, or a licensed clinical social worker.
Support groups can be led by professional counselors or completely peer-based. Being with other couples facing similar challenges can help you gain insight into your own situation. A group can also be a safe and supportive space for you and your girlfriend to work through your issues together.
