You could say something like, “Thanks so much for listening to me vent about work this afternoon. It made me feel so much better,” or “Wow, that dinner you cooked was amazing. I really appreciate you taking the time to do that. ” You can even thank them for just being there. For example, “Seeing you every night is the highlight of my entire day. Thanks for being you!”
If saying “I love you” is hard for you, or if you’re not quite there yet in the relationship, try things like “You mean so much to me” or “It feels so great to spend time with you. ” You can also show them how you feel by doing things like giving them gifts, leaving little notes for them to find, or offering to help them out without being asked. Don’t forget about physical signs of affection—you can say a lot with a smile, a kiss, a hug, or a shoulder rub!
For example, if you say you’ll meet your partner at a certain time, make sure to be there. If you get held up, call them and explain what’s going on. Avoid ghosting your partner for long periods of time. If you know you won’t be able to reply to a text for several hours or days, let them know what to expect ahead of time.
For instance, if you know they’re the artistic type, urge them to sign up for a painting class. The process of learning and creating might give them a boost of confidence, plus they’ll feel good knowing that you support their passions.
Listen carefully to what they have to say, and don’t be afraid to ask questions if you need them to clarify something. For example, “It sounds like you want me to be better about remembering to ask you about your day. Is that right?”
For example, say something like: “What are you worried will happen when I’m out with my friends?” or “Why does it bother you so much when I don’t pick up the phone at work?” Use a gentle, encouraging tone and pick your words carefully so it doesn’t sound like you’re belittling their fears or making accusations. Avoid saying things like, “Why can’t you just stop worrying about it?” or “What’s the big deal?” Talking to them about their feelings in a gentle way might help them become more self-aware, which is an important part of managing attachment anxiety.
For instance, maybe they’re upset that you didn’t ask them how their day went. You might think to yourself, “I can see how that might make it seem like I don’t care, even if I didn’t mean it that way. That must hurt. ”[9] X Research source
For example, say something like, “I know you get really anxious and upset when I go out and you don’t hear from me for a while, because you’re not sure what’s going on. That uncertainty must be scary. ”
Aware: Pay attention and be mindful of what they might be feeling. Turn: Physically turn toward them and make eye contact, which shows you are engaged and not tuning them out. Tolerate: Be tolerant of how they express their feelings, even if you don’t completely agree. Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to put up with violent or abusive behavior! Understand: Do your best to put yourself in their shoes and see where they’re coming from. Non-defensive language: As hard as this is, try not to get defensive. Instead, acknowledge your part in the conflict (e. g. , “You’re right, I don’t always remember to ask you how your day went. ”). Empathy: In addition to trying to understand their point of view, do your best to connect with their feelings. For example, “That must feel really hurtful and frustrating. ”
For an in-depth look at attachment theory, check out books like Attached by Amir Levin and Rachel Heller You can also look at articles like this one that explore how childhood experiences shape adult relationships: https://www. helpguide. org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships. htm
For instance, say something like, “Hey, I work an extra-long shift on Wednesdays, and I just don’t have the energy for a long phone call in the evening. I know you really want to talk, and so do I, but can we catch up on Thursday night instead?” Be mindful of your tone and the words you use, since anxious attaches can sometimes over-analyze what you say and get the wrong impression. Keep your voice calm and gentle, and avoid any language that might sound accusatory or blaming. Stick to “I” statements, like “I just need a little time to unwind alone sometimes. ” Avoid “you” statements, such as “You’re always bothering me when I’m trying to relax. ”
For example, you could say, “I know you get lonely when I’m at work, but I can’t keep answering texts and phone calls while I’m on the clock. What if I make a point of calling you during my lunch break?” Try to have the conversation at a time when you’re both feeling calm and relaxed—that way, it’s less likely to turn into an argument!
Try saying something like, “Hey, remember how we agreed not to talk about my ex anymore? Let’s just focus on what you and I have together now—I think it’s pretty special!” Of course, if your partner consistently crosses your boundaries or refuses to even try to respect them, that’s a serious problem! If that happens, it might be time to look into couples counseling or even end the relationship.
Doing hobbies you enjoy Spending time with friends and family outside your relationship Taking care of your physical needs, like getting exercise and sleep Working on goals that are important to you, such as finishing school or getting a better job
The good news is that it’s totally possible to build a healthy relationship, even if one or both of you struggles with attachment issues. [17] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source A good therapist can help you find ways to build trust and intimacy and develop a more secure bond by working together. Your partner may also benefit from seeing a therapist on their own, but that’s ultimately up to them. You can gently encourage them to get help and even recommend specific counselors or psychologists, but don’t try to force them into it. [18] X Research source
