If you have an anxious attachment style, you may worry when your partner doesn’t immediately text back, feel hurt when they need space or alone time, or desire more validation than they can give. Losing a parent or caregiver, watching your parents go through a divorce, or not receiving enough attention as a child can all cause you to develop a fear of abandonment in adulthood.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may be emotionally unavailable to your partner, shut down or go silent during an argument, or fantasize about leaving the relationship when things start to get serious. Experiencing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse in your past (whether it be from a caretaker or former partner) can cause you to develop a fear of intimacy. Other causes may include low self-esteem and a history of broken relationships.
If you’re a secure partner, you will be able to get vulnerable and work through conflict calmly and respectfully with your partner. You also likely have high self-worth and maintain your independent life while in a relationship. Growing up with a healthy relationship with your parents or caretakers can encourage you to develop a secure attachment style. You can also develop one later in life by building up your self-esteem and working through past trauma.
As an anxious partner, you may want to text throughout the day, while your avoidant partner may want space. This might make you feel like your partner doesn’t care, when in reality, your partner just needs different things.
As an avoidant partner, you may dismiss your partner’s need to talk things out and avoid difficult conversations. If you’re an anxious partner, this distance might leave you feeling hurt and rejected.
As an anxious partner, you may sacrifice your own needs to make the relationship work or resort to passive-aggressive behavior to get your partner to stay. If you’re an avoidant partner, this might make you feel trapped. [5] X Research source
If you’re anxious, analyze your feelings of fear and anxiety before you react. You might also try developing outside friendships, hobbies, and interests to help you avoid relying on your partner for all of your emotional needs. If you’re avoidant, try to push yourself to be vulnerable with your partner. Though it may feel uncomfortable at first, opening up to them and relying on them will help you realize that it’s not so scary.
If you’re an anxious partner, try to relax and allow your partner some alone time when they need space. You might go hang out with a friend or call a family member in the meantime. If you’re an avoidant partner, try to give your partner reassurance and express your needs out loud. You might say, “I love spending time with you and can’t wait to see you tomorrow, but I think I need some alone time to recharge. " Remaining passive and avoidant prevents issues from getting resolved.
If your partner messes up, try to show compassion and remind them of all the progress they’ve made. You might say, “I understand that this is a tough process. I really appreciate all the work you’ve done so far. " “I” statements are a great way to keep the conversation positive without sounding like you’re blaming or commanding the other person. If you catch yourself falling into old habits, forgive yourself and keep trying. Changing your attachment style is hard work, and it takes time and practice to unlearn old behaviors. [8] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
You might say something like, “I’m so grateful to have you in my life. No one makes me laugh like you” or “Thanks so much for giving me the space I need. I know it’s been a big change, and it really means so much to me. "
If the two of you aren’t comfortable seeing a couple’s therapist, seeking out individual therapy can help you understand your own attachment style and navigate your relationship.
You feel disrespected by your partner (this includes lying, manipulation, or cheating). Your partner engages in any form of emotional or physical abuse (this includes gaslighting, verbal insults, and physical harm of any kind). You feel consistently unhappy, unloved, or dissatisfied, no matter how much the two of you try to work things out.
