If you’re not sure about breaking up, talk to your partner about your relationship concerns. They may be able to alleviate them.
It might sound clinical or cold, but making a pro-con list can help you figure out if it’s worth it to stay in your relationship or if you’d be better off flying solo. What benefits does your relationship bring to your life? What negatives? Sometimes it’s just normal to imagine what life would be like alone, but if it’s a constant thought, then there may be some underlying reasons why.
Maybe you began dating someone who didn’t seem to listen to you or really see you, and you’ve realized you need someone more supportive. Or perhaps you’ve realized you’re expending a lot of energy on cooking or cleaning for your partner, and you need a partner who’s more mature and can take care of themselves. You may have realized you hold certain beliefs or values that aren’t compatible with your partner’s and it’s causing some friction in the relationship. Perhaps you’ve realized your and your partner’s love languages don’t align and you struggle to show one another affection: maybe you crave more physical attention, while your partner feels like they’re missing out on quality time.
Maybe you long to live in a foreign country one day and retire with a bunch of children and grandchildren, while your partner really has their heart set on living and dying in their hometown with a pet turtle as a companion. Or maybe you just picture the future and don’t see them in it: maybe you see someone with a different personality, someone who meshes with your world a bit more. Or maybe you don’t see anybody at all.
Some people argue that sex isn’t as important in a relationship as personality, and while that may be true, sexual compatibility can play a huge role in a couple’s happiness and level of intimacy.
Do you regularly avoid asking them for support or favors because you know they won’t be there for you? This is a sign the relationship is breaking down.
Many couples have different religious traditions and are very compatible, but if it’s important to either of you to have the same beliefs, think long and hard about whether to keep pursuing a relationship with them. No couple is ever perfectly compatible, but in a healthy relationship, partners can discuss things they disagree on respectfully and patiently. If your partner and you can’t stop fighting over the things you don’t agree on, it may be time to call it.
It can be tempting to tell your partner—and yourself—that that big deal-breaker you thought you couldn’t live without is really not all that important. But be realistic about your deal-breakers: if you compromise on them, you may end up regretting it and resenting your partner.
Your partner could be a great person and they could really want to support you, but that doesn’t mean they can. Some things must be dealt with independently. It may be that you just aren’t able to address your baggage with this particular partner, for whatever reason. Maybe they struggle to be patient while you heal from past trauma, or they don’t understand what you need to thrive in the relationship. It’s possible another partner would be a better fit.
Your partner might sincerely regret what they’ve done, but that doesn’t mean you need to rush to forgive them if you’re still struggling to overcome the pain they’ve caused. It might be worth considering taking a break from the relationship if you still love your partner but don’t know yet if you can forgive them. A break will give you both time to be alone and reflect on the relationship, without officially calling it quits just yet.
It’s especially important to consider the effect fighting has on your children, if you have any. Because children’s brains and sense of boundaries are still developing, they can’t readily understand that your fights with your partner have nothing to do with them.
Ending a relationship that’s become toxic can be hard to do if you really love your partner, but your safety and well-being are so much more important. Put your own health and safety first before your relationship. If you’re struggling with an emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive partner, consider reaching out to the Domestic Violence Support Hotline for help. Share what you’re dealing with a close friend or family member or therapist, and remember, you’re not alone.
